I'm a beerkat

Silly Megs

2010-04-01T14:47:00.003-04:00

My friend Megs and I were discussing the Spring Crawl for Cancer coming up on the 15th of May (we are sort of geeked!). She was asking if I happened to pull together a team for the crawl in Oklahoma City on the 1st of May. She was concerned:

Megs: Do you have a good team for the OK Crawl?
Me: Yeppa. I'll be drinking a lot in May.
Megs: Fo Shizzle. Hopefully you don't burn out on drinking!
Me: Do you remember who you are talking to?
Megs: Word. I retract my previous statement.

Problem? Maybe?

Parental Advisory Suggested

2009-04-15T21:05:00.004-04:00

If there are any small children wandering around behind you please have them avert their eyes.
If you are easily frightened and ridden with nightmares please read no further.
The Smalls Grandma was watching her a handful of weekends ago and called me laughing about how they "...tried to get her picture taken with the Easter Bunny and she wanted nothing to do with it'. I now see why she wanted nothing to do with that damn Easter Bunny. My little girl is SMART! Take a look and tell me that thing doesn't look EVIL!!!

"I'll give you some candy little girl....THEN I'LL STAB YOUR EYES OUT!"

Got a New Stamp

2009-04-14T14:03:00.009-04:00

Just so you know, I am DEATHLY afraid of bees. Deathly afraid of wasps. Deathly afraid of anything that slightly resembles either of these devilish creatures. I mean these things fly at you at a high rate of speed and STING you! OUCH! That being said, one would think that the thought of having a needle poked into your skin over, and over, and over again wouldn't be up my alley. NOT SO MUCH!

I love getting tattoos. I love the little 'high' that you get from the pain. Am I weird?

Here is my latest tattoo - enjoy the picture story.

This is the beginning stage when Sean is doing the outline of it. This is the more painful part of the process in my opinion.

These are a couple of pics of Sean filling in portions of the tattoo. This is my favorite part of the process.

And the final product - the 256 stands for my smalls birthday (Feb 5, 2006).

When I got home that night with the smalls, she was VERY interested in what was under my bandage. 'Mommy you got a boo boo?'. It's kind of hard to explain what a tattoo is to a 3 year old. She pretty much summed it up though when I was washing it off - 'MOM! You got a new STAMP!'

Yep! Mommy got a new stamp!

Only at Nascar

2009-04-06T21:54:00.005-04:00

This is what happened the night before the race at Texas Motor Speedway:

Hey Bubba! You wanna go to tha race tomorrow? My sisters boyfriend - you know...my cousin Earl....got them for her and she gave em to me!

Jimmy Joe you got it!! I got a pickup we can take. You got a camper shell we can put on the back? I don't want my Natty Light flyin out!!

Your truck one of them short ones? My pappy has a camper shell on his truck but his is one of them long uns.

Let's throw that on the back and we got ourselves a PARTY!! YEEEEEHAAAWWW!!

I hate you...I like you....I hate you...I like you

2009-03-16T13:44:00.002-04:00

The smalls and I road tripped this last weekend to see the Hubs who is currently working in Oklahoma. OOOOOOOOOklahoma where the...well....not a whole hell of a lot happens except for brush fires. I've come to realize in my trips south that once I start smelling burning brush I've hit Oklahoma.
On our way back yesterday we stopped in Carthage for a little lunch. I was getting the smalls all situated in her seat and ready to down her lunch and during this had the door open. This was a bad move. We added another passenger and the smalls was none to pleased about it. He was just a tiny little fly, and for the purposes of this story we shall call him Ralph.
So Ralph is flying around the space of the vehicle doing his thing...flying. When Ralph gets ANYWHERE in the smalls vicinity all hell breaks lose. There is crying, screaming, general unhappiness. This is the 'I hate you' part of the story.
I try to explain to her that it's just a fly, all it does is fly. All you have to do is wave your hands around and the dude will wander elsewhere. This does not appease her. The only thing that made the situation any better was when she noticed he was sitting on the dashboard.
First we had to point that out - 'Mom...that fly's on your car'.
Me - 'Yes honey, it's no big deal. He's just hanging out up here.'
Smalls - 'He's just hanging out?'
Me - 'Yes honey, just chillin.'
Smalls - 'He wanna come watch my movie with me?'
Me - 'No honey, I think he's alright'
Smalls - 'He wanna come sit on my burger?'
Me - 'No baby, he's just gonna hang out up here with mom.'
At this point she seems pretty cool with Ralph. Wants him to come watch a movie with her...be friends - I like you.
So in my head I'm like OK....no biggie. Maybe I won't need to stop and get the fly out of the car. Soon enough I realize I am wrong.
I hate you Ralph....I hate you. There is crying and screaming for the rest of the trip anytime good ole Ralph comes near her.
We are 10 minutes from home and are stopped getting ready to cross the highway. Good ole Ralph flies to my window and I help him regain his freedom. We rejoice that he is gone and per the smalls is going to go make friends.
Thanks Ralph. Good luck in your travels.

Yes. I'm cheating.

2009-02-04T13:43:00.002-05:00

Sooo....I'm addicted to facebook. I like getting on...finding new friends...making notes ect. I realized the other night as I was spending 45 minutes on a 'Note' that I could be doing the same thing but blogging instead. Sarah W. came up with a grand idea...why not post THAT onto my blog. So here you go!
25 Random Things About Me
1. I have 3 tattoo's and am trying to figure out the design for #4.
2. If I let her my 3 year old would stay up until 11:30 every night. She's a night owl like her mama!!
3. I love beer. I think about my first big college parties where I didn't drink beer because I didn't like the taste and would drink WILD TURKEY and shake my head. Don't drink BEAST and you'll love it you dumb girl!!
4. I am still VERY good friends with Nellie who I have known for probably 25 years though I wish we could hang out more. Thankfully they landed near KC!!!
5. I am also very good friends with her sister Sarah. I used to H A T E Sarah. If I could multiply that font by 500 that's how much I did not like her. Then college + booze = FRIENDSHIP!!!!
6. I was slightly addicted to pedicures this last summer. Thankfully I cut myself off. 'It's only been a week but I could get another pedi!!"
7. I honestly with I could eat ice cream for every single meal and not gain a pound. I would do it.
8. I - like Susan - am slightly addicted to standing on the scale. Stupid scale stop mocking me!!
9. I wish I took more time to blog. I love it and have like 5 ideas in my head but here I sit on stupid facebook doing this damn 25 things about me.
10. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE when Schon, Chuck & Ernie tell their 'When we got arrested' story. I could hear it 50 times a year and laugh as hard as I did the time before.
11. I was in a bowling league for a couple years and have my own ball, shoes, bag, ect. I mostly did it for the beer - see #3.
12. I wish that the Cullens were real and I was tight with them.
13. I wish I drove a hybrid. Not that I think Ernie would ever BE on facebook to read this...but if he is he's calling me a Hippy right now :)
14. I got asked if I would 'be opposed to living in Oklahoma for a year'. YES I was and am still opposed. I mean Oklahoma? Come on! If it was Oregon,Florida or Cali I might consider it.
15. I think I might get an I Phone some day. I am somewhat opposed to following the flock again with the whole 'Apple Ipod' thing but I might get over it cause that phone is DAMN cool.
16. I met my husband at Molly's in Maryville. We were playing darts and 'I won because he wasn't good' RIIIIIGHT up to the point where we bet that he'd get to stay the night. 'OOPS!! I forgot to mention I was in a dart league in the marine corp.' He didn't get any....serves him RIGHT.
17. I think my sister is a bitch because she doesn't get hungover. I hate her for it. She is a crack.
18. One time Jesus told me to tell Megan to steal a Bible when we were sitting in a church for a friends wedding. She didn't believe me.
19. I love pub crawls. Especially the Crawl for Cancer. This last crawl - Fall 08- was one of the best.
20. I was in a roll over car accident with my 10 week old daughter. We both got taken by ambulance to 2 different hospitals. My husband had a Lotawana copper start to pull a gun on him because he was trying to get past the road block to get to us. At that same moment my ambulance driver was calling him to let him know where we were going. I came out with only scratches, bruises and poison ivy - from crawling out of the upside down vehicle into a little creek. Addy had one tiny little cut on her cheek that was gone in a couple days. Thank GOD for car seats!
21. I am spending WAY to much time doing this and letting my child do whatever she pleases.
22. I'm quite bendy. If I can find it I'll post a pic that illustrates that point.
23. I have 2 girlfriends that no fail....every time we get together to drink we are up until at LEAST 3:30 in the morning - no matter if there will be small people up in a few hours.
24. The first time I met Megs was during National Gay Pride week at NW. She was sitting on the shrine and I wanted to sit down and chat. These were the first words that came out of my (drunk) mouth - "I'm going to sit by you....but I'm not gay". What a douche!
25. I woke up at 4 this morning because Schon was leaving for Okie. Just so you know Family Guy is on from at LEAST 4:30 to 5:30 on Cartoon Network West. The 2 episodes this morning were quite funny - as always.

That's "Mrs. Ruin Fun Things" To You

2009-01-22T13:06:00.003-05:00

First off, I'd like to apologize to my friend Ern. I have learned from this instance that I should keep the neat little tid-bits that I find out about songs and what they are about to myself. Zippin da lip.
Earlier this month we were all eating breakfast one morning after a long night of drinking (for Lin and I). Somehow the song 'Lola' by the Kinks was brought up. It's a great song. It's quite catchy - 'La la la la Loooola.' - 'C - O - L - A cola'. Good stuff!
As Ern was singing this song that morning I had a faint memory about it and stated it out loud.
'Wasn't that song about a tranny?'
For a good 15 or 20 minutes I had 'no clue what I was talking about'.
I threw out some of the words in the song - 'I'm not dumb but I can't understand why she walked like a woman but talked like a man'. LIKE A MAN?
Ern breaks down and decides to get out his phone and search the net...see what he comes up with. Low and behold, who was right? ME! It WAS about a young man's encounter with a transvestite. Check out wikipedia....wikipedia knows all.
So sorry if you've read this post and I've ruined the song for you. I still love it and you should too!

Where am I??????

2009-01-22T12:39:00.002-05:00

I honestly do not know how you people without a GPS for your vehicle do it. How do you not just wander around like you have a blindfold on?

I do suppose that if I had never HAD a GPS I wouldn't be in the predicament I am in now. My GPS is currently broken. I am sans maps. It has put a HUGE hitch in my get along.

Monday night I was taking the smalls over to my friend Jenn's after work. Jenn and I were going to go to see Twilight (addicted!) and her daughter was going watch the smalls. I had to be quick about picking her up and heading BACK over to Kansas so I decided I would pick up dinner right before I got to Jenn's house. I'm cruising down the road to Jenn's pad and I realize oh crap! I can't just hit Where to? Points of Interest - Food - Fast Food. I can't wait until it pulls up my options in the area, choose the one I want and hit Go. There will be no man with an British accent lighting the way for me to get to my destination.

I had to buck up and do what the rest of the non GPS lovin' world does. I had to turn on a road and hope and pray that I'd run into the golden arches by chance. HOW DO YOU PEOPLE DO IT???

Quote of the Day

2009-01-08T10:07:00.002-05:00

I'm going to get you a bumper sticker "I'd rather be reading my Twilight books. P.S. Jewish girls swallow"

Thanks MAW for making me laugh this morning.

Privacy Please!!!

2009-01-07T08:42:00.002-05:00

When I was pondering bringing a child into this world I knew there would be things I would have to give up. When I had a baby I wouldn't be able to run to the grocery store at a moments notice without having to pack up a bag of shit and a baby. I wouldn't be able to stay up until 5 in the morning boozing with my girlfriends and sleep in the next day and laze around while I recovered. These are the things even if you may NOT realize before that small one comes, they are very apparent right out of the gate.
One thing that I wasn't aware would happen was a total loss of privacy. Those small people open doors and don't really care what you are doing. No I'm NOT talking about PDub walking in while me and the Mr are getting it on. That one hasn't happened yet (thank God).
What I would love to get back some day (and I know I will) is a little privacy in the potty. Can I JUST put a tampon in without a small person looking over at me 'What ya doin' mom'? That whole situation is disgusting anyway, but try having a small person staring at you dissecting every move you make. 'What's that?'....'Can I have one?'.....'You poop mom?'.
The small one has also noticed how the back of a pantyliner has sticky stuff on it...hence why she now calls them 'stickers'. 'Mom....can I have a sticker?'....'No honey - they are mommy's stickers.'
I throw out the proverbial 'This is mommy stuff. Can you go into mommy's room? Mommy would like to do mommy stuff by herself'. It never works but hey at least I try.
Around 8 last night my face is buried in a book (we'll talk about THAT obsession in a future post) and the small one was kickin' round the bathroom. She likes to play with the cats water and look in the mirror and such so I wasn't all that worried. She rolls back out into the bedroom and tears my attention away from my book for a moment with the phrase 'Mommy....can you put this in my panties?'
WHAT? Panties? In your panties? Something you want...what?
I look over and she has taken out a pantyliner..taken the backing of it so that is sticky and ready to go...and would like me to put it in her panties - JUST LIKE MOMMY.
So yeah...my daughter had her first pantyliner on last night. And now I reiterate - PRIVACY PLEASE!!

Brand new Beerkitten!

2008-12-24T10:41:00.003-05:00

Hello world - It's Noah!!! Some day you'll love Northwest as much as the rest of us do. Hopefully your mommy will brainwash you into loving the Cats like I have Pdub!

Your mom and dad are so lucky to finally have you to squish on. I know all your mom's buds over here in MO and KS can't wait to squish on you too!!!

Luvthebearcats would probably agree that you have a pretty awesome name. Thank GOD she went with Noah and NOT Tucker. Good job Danny Boy on pointing out what TUCKER rhymes with!

Almost 3 Year Old Logic

2008-12-18T08:40:00.002-05:00

The mind of a 2 - almost 3 - year old is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

I came home from a LONG ride home earlier this week in a mad rush for the potty. I do my business and as always take off my 'work pants' and put on my 'comfy pants'. I walk back into the bedroom with work pants in hand and Pdub notices that I'm changing my pants. Her almost 3 year old logic kicks in and she asks:

"Mom....ya pee in your pants?"

"No honey, mom did not pee in her pants. Mom is putting on comfy pants."

No luvthebearcats I did NOT pee in my pants. YES it was a horridly long ride home because of the idiots that don't know how to drive in this city and YES I have had a child but NO...I did not pee.

My little Bearkitten

2008-12-05T10:09:00.003-05:00

When deciding what I was going to wear today two things came to my mind:
A. It's cold as a mother@#&* outside.
B. The Bearcats play tomorrow in the semifinal game.

Bearcat sweatshirt it is!!! It's warm, it supports the best football team ever, it's awesome.
My sweatshirt ONLY has the words Northwest Missouri State - No Bobby, No paw, nothing specifically calling out Bearcats besides the fact that it says the name of the college.
I pick up Pdub and this is the conversation that ensues:

Pdub: Mom, you got your cats shirt on?
Me: Yes hunny, mom's wearing her Bearcat shirt today.
Pdub: I NEED MY CAT SHIRT ON!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not really sure how she knew that my shirt was a Bearcat shirt besides the fact that the writing was in green but...Oops! I MAY have brainwashed my child into loving the Cats as much as I do!!!

Friggin kids!

2008-11-12T14:37:00.004-05:00

Last weekend Pdub and I had the house to ourselves. Jarhead stayed down south longer then expected so we were ALL ALONE. I don't know how many of you have or have had a 2 year old but I didn't really want to spend the ENTIRE weekend with said 2 year old by myself. This would be what I looked like by Sunday if I went it alone..not pretty.

My sanity is my friend. I like to cuddle with it. I would be hurt if it went away.

I decided that PDub and I would roll over to the Cotastics to hang for most of the weekend. We got there on Saturday and finally left them alone around 6:30 on Sunday night. Lyn says I didn't overstay my welcome but she is also a fairly polite person.

Lyn's son Acelec (that's what PDub calls him) got me good with his 7 year old wit while was there.

Acelec: Hey can you spell icup?

Me: What? What is icup?

Acelec: I just want to know how to spell icup. Can you spell it?

Let's take a moment here. Can YOU spell icup? One would think you could since I just wrote icup and you are sitting here reading my blog. Say it out loud. Shout it if you need to. icup. On with the show.

Me: Well....I would guess 'I C U P'.

Acelec: What was that?

Me: Uh....'I C U P'.

Acelec: YOU SEE WHAT?

If you know Acelec's dad you know where he get's that wit from. Friggin kids!

P.S. Did I get YOU with the icup thing? You can say I didn't....but I know I did!!!

Booze & Babies

2008-11-11T13:58:00.004-05:00

MA and I were discussing today about how she thinks it would be AWESOME if Jarhead and I were to have a #2 who was born in September. For some reason she thinks that September is the best month EVER. I told her that I would agree with September...well EARLY September would work with my plan.

Some women try and 'plan their pregnancies' so they can have their child a certain month for this reason or that. Don't want to be preggo during the summer. Don't want the smalls birthday to be close to Christmas. I like to do the same thing. My reasoning MIGHT seem a little off to some of you.

This is going to sound so sad ….might sound like I have a slight problem…but I kind of like to schedule my pregnancies so that I’m only preggo during one Crawl for Cancer. Obsession? Much?

I bet if luvthebearcats was still baby makin she'd be the same exact way.

P.S. If my plan DOESN'T work and I have to be pregs for TWO crawls I will be making a 'Welcome Back to Booze Dre' crawl up all on my own!!

Did you fall?

2008-11-07T16:54:00.002-05:00

This is a conversation (very one sided as you will see) that I had with MA over IM today. She was no longer answering me and I feared for her safety and her life.

schnaazy (this is me) : did u fall?
schnaazy: i hope someone reads this message if u've fallen and are unconsciuos(sp bad).
please call 911 whoever you are.
you can call me at 816-200-**** and i'll be right over.
if she has a gaping head wound then apply pressure.
if she has broken a leg, arm, ect please splint it and take her to the urgent care or emergency room.
please let me know where you are taking her as i would like to visit her in the hospital.
i will also let her parents and norman know what is going on.
if she doesn't make it she has told me in past conversations that i get to have all of her cool stuff.
we made a blood pact on it.
kind of gross but that shit holds up in court.

Pitcher with Orange Lid OR Clean up your own shit

2008-11-06T14:29:00.003-05:00

I had to send this email out at work today. I will preface your reading of the email by my first thoughts on picking the pitcher up - 'A pitcher of gravy?'

Read on:

All
I removed a plastic pitcher with an orange lid from the bottom shelf of the fridge this afternoon. It had what I can only describe as ‘what was once tea’. Thank you so much for performing a science experiment to test what tea will turn into if left in a fridge WAY to long – for your info, there is a substance that forms on the top few layers that is somewhere between a liquid and a solid. It was pleasant to throw out and almost made Brandy throw up when I was showing my find to her. If you would like to claim your pitcher I stuck it in the dishwasher. It does have a little ‘line’ of goo around the top of the ‘what was once tea’ level that did not get removed from my rinsing it out. It might clean up just fine in the dishwasher…but I’d be weary if I were you.

She loves her mama!

2008-11-05T13:40:00.002-05:00

Here is what I do on a nightly basis: Go home, clean up the kitchen, figure out what everyone is going to eat for dinner, clean up the kitchen again. It's a never ending process. Last night there was a little bright spot in my cleaning that made me smile at my baby girl.
I was working on straightening up one of the counter tops, putting dishes away and what not. PDub was wanting to look in the fridge to see what she wanted to eat for dinner. OK. Keeps her out of my hair so that I can do what I do.
PDub: Mama...I wan apple juice.
Me: OK dude...get out a juice box. (The juice box is NOT apple juice by the way).
PDub: Mama...you wan apple juice?
Me: No honey. Mommy doesn't need an apple juice.
PDub: Mama you nee a juice.
Me: OK dude. Get mom a juice (I was done with fighting).
So I kind of just keep doing my thing in my own little world. She tells me she has her juice and puts it on the table. I turn the other direction towards the sink to put something in it and I see that she has put my 'juice' on the counter. Sitting there for her mama to drink is a nice cold Miller Lite.
Me: Addy what is that?
PDub: Your juice mama.
Me: Well THANK YOU bear...you love your mama.

Glad I could be of service!

2008-09-08T15:59:00.003-04:00

I eBay. Sometimes I over eBay...I can admit that. I get on a kick of buying things off of eBay and I just keep going and going and going. I have friends that do not eBay. When needing an item off of eBay these friends may call on me to do their eBay bidding and purchasing. This is a conversation I had today with one of those Non-eBaying Friends:

Sawah: I need to look some more and send you the link once I have finally decided on one. you don't mind [doing the eBay stuff] do you?
Me: Hell no fool. :) I like to ebay :)
Sawah: Cool. You are my e-bay bitch. :)
Me: If u want to put it that way...sure!!! :)
Sawah: hee hee, I'm just glad I finally have a bitch. I've never had a bitch before. :)

That's the kind of friend I am. Making your eBay purchases AND being your bitch. FULL SERVICE!

Overheard at the Plaza

2008-08-19T17:03:00.003-04:00

'What makes me think I'm gonna cut you?' - She gets it wrong every time :)

'Ones an elephant...and ones a thing' - Rocky and Bullwinkle? HUH Preggo?

'You scared my cat!' - Poor Norman!

'I'm not competitive....I just like to win!' (oops I may have said that)

To the ladies who were present - please feel free to remind me of other things said and I'll get them posted :)

Lesson of the Day

2008-08-19T16:18:00.003-04:00

Sizzle says - 'Tell them bitches not to say shit!'

Thank you.

Is language genetic?

2008-08-07T14:05:00.002-04:00

Last night I was laying on the bed reading while the smalls was watching Oswald.
She says to me this: "Mommy...u fiewd' - Translation 'Mommy...you are fired'
I say: "What?"
Smalls: "Fiewd'
Me: "I'm what? What are you saying?"
Smalls: "You fiwed. Fiewd"
Me: "Are you saying that Mommy is fired?"
Smalls: "Fiewd."

So while, yes, I have been fired from the business of mommyhood by the smalls - the more important point of this story is genetics. My circle - you know who you are out there - use the phrase 'You're fired' in every day vernacular. If someone is slacking on emailing...you're fired. If someone gets a hour and a half massage and the others don't...you're fired. The smalls doesn't read our emails! The smalls is only 2 1/2! While she is gifted....she can't hop on my email and pick up the aforementioned saying. Thus - language is genetic. Thank you.

UPSP Not for Me

2008-06-20T16:00:00.002-04:00

We live on a nice quiet little cul-de-sac - except for the old lady across the circle that has G O T to quit smoking. Good yard upkeep, pretty landscaping, A+ neighbors.
Two or three houses down there is a mailbox that the owners have planted a vine that has wound all the way up the post and hangs around the box. Pretty little plant that has purple flowers on it. I was driving by it earlier this week and had a thought:

I wonder if there is a 'prerequisite' for becoming a mail person that requires you to NOT be afraid of bees, wasps and other stinging insects that pollinate flowers that are planted around mailboxes?

I would fail that miserably. PHOBIC? MUCH?

Neither snow nor rain nor dark of night - but bees and wasps I'll run with fright!!

Why I don't own a gun - By Me

2008-05-19T16:27:00.003-04:00

Today I felt a rage....a pure hatred for dislike for someone that I haven't felt in a LONG time. Note to all of you out there reading this: Just because you are old it does NOT give you the right to be a enormous D!CK.
Today I was on my way home from Gama and Gapas with PDub. We had just had lunch and were stopping to get gas when Pdub says 'POTTY MOM!!! POTTY!!!'. So I put the nozzle in the car and start doing my thing and take the smalls to the potty (which was grody btw).
So I'm walking back out to my car and this old guy, who is in disgusting old van, at the pump next to me says 'Can I tell you something?' I reply 'Sure!'. Typically when I get that comment I usually get 'You have such a pretty little girl!' ect. NOT THIS TIME.
This old piece of SH!T says to me 'It was unthoughtful of you to take your daughter to the bathroom and leave your car here.'
The rage. The rage. The rage.
So I reply something along the lines of that 'Sorry sir (that is sarcasm) but my 2 year old daughter who needs to potty is more important to me.' He says something about having kids blah blah blah. I mostly don't hear him because the blood rushing through my ears is so loud and I'm shaking so much I just want to punch him.
So I get PDub situated in her seat and close the door. I walk back over to this subspecies of human and point my mom finger at him and say 'You know what sir, you are rude. YOU ARE RUDE.' He said that he just called it like he saw it. 'No sir, YOU ARE RUDE.' I may have said something about calling it like I saw it.
Seriously....7 other pumps that he can get gas and I'm the one who is unthoughtful. Get your head out of your ass you old f*cker.
I called Jarhead after I stopped shaking from the rage and told him that it was a VERY VERY GOOD thing that his wife does not own a gun.
Anyone want to break an old mans kneecaps for me? I know you'd help me MAW. Thanks for the offer too :)

Aloha to Another Crawl!

2008-05-15T14:26:00.008-04:00

Are we in Hawaii or at the Crawl for Cancer? Who are those HOT island babes!?!?

This was our fourth Crawl and was pretty low key overall. I remember the entire even with no 'time lost' so ya gotta figure it wasn't that crazy!!!!
We went with a Hawaiian theme (obviously) and rocked it.

This was a pretty tame year as crawls go. I do remember I stole a kick ass ashtray from some random bar's bathroom. I think there may have been some crying at this crawl - hence the 'Do not cry at the Crawl' rule. This MAY be part of the reason:

MAW (see below) and I had fun at Red's place later. Nothing sexual you freaks.

We wrestled with Coyote later that evening at Red's place. I believe there may be a video somewhere of it. If you ever fight him...watch out. He likes to give wedgies.

Back in the Crawl Saddle...again

2008-05-15T14:04:00.003-04:00

This was the Crawl of many "Firsts".
My first Crawl after having PDub - VERY LOW ALCOHOL TOLERANCE. (Thanks Coyote for the piggy back ride later in the evening).
Luvthebearcats virgin crawl.
This was the first Crawl where they used buses to get us to other bars.
This was also the first Crawl that actual RULES came out of. And there were many.

I have ZERO pictures of this one for some reason. I believe that there may be only 1 picture in existence of the group but I'm not sure even where that picture is at. RED CAME THROUGH AND FOUND THE ONE PIC!! WOO HOO!!!

Here are a list of things that we learned from this Crawl:

1) Do not go out in Westport the Friday night before the Crawl and stay up until who knows when and expect to be functioning and drinkable the next day. It just doesn't work - well unless you are an alcoholic.
2) If there is a bus taking you from one bar to another bar...TAKE IT. Do not think 'Oh that's right down the street we'll just walk!'. It will take you a half hour to get there and you'll get bitchy cause your feet hurt. You do learn some interesting things on the trip tho. MAW and I learned that Luvthebearcats is 'Kind of a gangsta' during that walk.
3) Tho you may still have 'baby weight' on you DO NOT wear ill fitting pants. It's not fun for ANYONE to see your undies all the time.
4) Do not go anywhere alone!!! Text message to my phone from Red: 'I'm outside! Where are you?' A few minutes later "I'm inside now! I can't find anyone! Where are you?' Minutes later 'I'M BACK OUTSIDE WHERE ARE YOU??'. There may have been some crying on the sidewalk involved but we all finally found each other. BUDDY SYSTEM.
5) Do not write your number on random peoples shirts MAW.
6) There is a step when you walk into America's Pub. It's always been there. It's not new. Feel free to yell at the bouncer when you trip over it tho.

There are a lot of 'lost time' in this crawl for me...so that's really all I've got!!!

The Crawl Made Me Blue

2008-05-10T20:56:00.001-04:00

Ahh...the infamous 'Blue Shirt Crawl'. This was the second crawl we did and it ended up being mostly a ladies crawl. We did have 2 big guy anchors and that helped us out.

This was the first year that we used our shirt as canvases for the fun and frivolity that happens at the crawl. A handful of us stayed down at the Holiday Inn so we ended up being out ALL NIGHT LONG. LynC and I were doing the monkey walk...you have to remember what that is right?....and we tripped and stumbled I think (it's a little fuzzy). The door man to the bar we were going to saw the event and WOULDN'T LET HER IN. Look at this pic....she and Red look sober!

Insert song lyrics here: 'Everybody was kung foo fighting!!!'

Miss MAW was FEISTY at this crawl. She remembered that she almost got into it with some dumb b$%ch in the bathroom of Johnny Dare's bar - that is no longer there. She looks completely innocent doesn't she?

Later on that evening Miss MAW decided that it was a GOOD IDEA to walk home FROM WESTPORT to her apartment. Her apartment wasn't THAT far away...but the rule was stated from that crawl on out - NO WALKING HOME BY YOURSELF.

I do have to make mention of the event that made this crawl INFAMOUS for me. That would be the 'Gyro Incident'.

At the end of the night LynC, Red and I needed some food in our belly. Look...there is a van in the street that makes Gyros...THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA.

So the three of us purchase our gyros and start to head back to the hotel room. LynC is walking in front of us and all of a sudden she is HORIZONTAL on the pavement ....gyro goody goodness scattered everywhere. Some randoms helped her up and the three of us could N O T stop laughing. I wish that I could take that memory from my brain and replay in for everyone else to see. I do recall that more then the falling....LynC was BENT about losing the insides of her gyro. GOOD STUFF.

It's CRAWL Season

2008-04-29T14:38:00.010-04:00

The Crawl for Cancer in Kansas City is like Christmas for many of us seasoned crawlers. It is much like a coveted gift that you can't wait to open...and maybe throw up all over.

The upcoming spring Crawl will be MA's and my 6th time participating and there have been some awesome crawls through the years. I thought this might be a good time to reflect on past Crawls and remember the good times, and the not so good (keep the sharpies out of NR's hands!). Over the next few weeks I'll continue to post pictures and stories of the our Crawls through the years - so check back!

Our first crawl, when we were all still virgins, was May of 2004.

We had a pretty good team that year tho it was kind of random.

This may have been one of the most low-key crawls that we have ever done.

It was pretty nice that day so we ended up out at the sand volleyball courts at the Beach Club. Look at our baby faces!

These were the days before they bused you to different bars and the bars weren't insanely packed with crawlers.

I do remember that at the end of the day we were hanging out at the Beaumont - more free beer! There was a random band playing and I was 100% certain that because they were singing a Big Head Todd song that they WERE Big Head Todd. Alas...they were not.

It was a good virgin Crawl - low key but still hella fun!

I wanna be the DOG WHISPERER!

2008-04-05T00:09:00.004-04:00

Tonight PDub and I decided we wanted to go get some "I Ceam!" and we were out the door..custard custard here I come! We got down to the end of our road and I noticed a dog that was running around with no mom or dad with it. I noticed the dog because she was STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. I stopped and looked around to make sure that her family hadn't just accidentally let her outside and were coming to get her. Since I didn't see her humans my head went into 'MUST SAVE THIS DOG AND FIND IT'S HOME!'
I pulled over and she was very interested in my vehicle. I opened up the door and called her over and she was MORE then happy to want to get it. I grabbed her collar and took her to the back of the Envoy and told her to jump in and she went right in.
I drove back home (sadly i ceam had to go on hold) and went to get PDub out of the car and the dog so that I could call the number on her tags and let her humans know that I had her (like I would want someone to do for my cats or any future dogs I own).
When I opened the back door I was not thinking. OUT SHE GOES. GREAT! I saved her from the road but now she's running ALL OVER our cul de sac and I'm outside running around chasing her carrying a 2 year old who's wearing Dora PJ's.
The hub comes outside when he sees me out the window running around chasing a dog and yells 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING?'
I yell back that this dog has tags so I need to grab her again so I can call her family. I do the 2 second hand off and give PDub to Dad so that I can run around (in my flip flops) and chase this dog. She hightails it behind our neighbors houses and goes a couple houses down. I yell for her to come and she takes off like a bolt of lighting at me. I see this as my chance to grab her....NOPE. She shoots right by me. BUT she does run back up to where the hubs is at and he gets a chance and grabs her collar.
So we make the call to the pups grandma who says she will be right over. Pdub really enjoyed the puppy being there while dad held her. You could tell she really wanted to pet her but she just couldn't work up the strength. Who knew that during the maybe 10 minutes of us having this dog that PDub fell in love with her.
Grandma came and chatted a little bit about the pup - Nikita gets out all the time, always getting calls from people that they found her or the pound, has a granddaughter who is autistic and the dog is a godsend. Very Very nice lady. Even complimented the toot's eyes and eye lashes (but we know how cute she is). She thanked us many many times and finally went on her way so we had to say goodbye to the pretty pup (she is a white Siberian husky with blue eyes SO PRETTY!).
This is where things get dicey. Pdub likes the puppy. She in NOOOOOO way wants to say goodbye to the puppy. 'NOOOOOO!!! NOOO BYE BYE PUPPY!!!' Grandma apologizes profusely that by her taking her grand-dog that she is making my child cry. She felt very very bad...but hey- Pdub is 2 and wants what she wants, and she wanted that puppy!!!
It probably took her 10-15 minutes to calm down about the puppy. Had to sit in time out for a while because of the fit that was being thrown. Once she was calm we went to get I Ceam and on the way back I still got a couple very sad 'Mommy....puppy!!!!' I had to keep telling her that the puppy needed to go to his mommy and daddy. I finally got a 'Mommy...Daddy...puppy!'

The moral of this story is : PDub wants a puppy (to look at...maybe pet...maybe not)!

Rocket Science

2008-03-19T09:09:00.003-04:00

I was listening to E! for a bit on my way in to work today - I love satellite radio by the way - and an interview with Sarah Jessica Parker was on. She was talking about her upcoming movie that MANY of us are looking forward to - Sex and the City. May 30th ya'll....write it DOWN.
What she said made me kind of regret the fact that I just bought and am currently wearing her perfume (which smells really good). This is what she said in regards to the fact that when they tried to do the movie directly after the series ended it didn't work out but obviously is working out now:
"I feel like it was kind of fortuitous because if we had done it then....we wouldn't be able to do it now."
REALLY SJP? Is that how time works? Doing something then means you can't do it now? Doing it now means you didn't do it then? I never knew.

SHUT UP

2008-02-20T13:47:00.002-05:00

Oh, to be 2 and not have a care in the world. You go through your day watching Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Dora, have some snacks, take a nap, maybe watch a little more Dora. At some point in time in your day you hear one of your cats meowing at the back door NON STOP. Your mother get's a little irritated by the incessant meowing and yells at said cat to "SHUT UP!". Wow....those words were really loud! She was really mad! She made the cat to what she wanted him to do by yelling those 2 words at him! I'M SO USING THAT PHRASE!!!
This has been my household over the past month. Lil miss thang thinks that if she doesn't want to do something she can tell you to 'Shut....up!' I don't want to wake up - 'Shut...up!'. I don't want to go bye bye - 'Shut...up!'. I don't want to eat that - 'Shut...up!'.
I never knew shut up had so many uses until the small one started in on it.
The hammer of justice has come down on the small one. She has a time out chair that has come in QUITE handy lately.
She thinks she's sly tho. Now instead of yelling shut up...if she feels like she wants to say it but knows she'll get in trouble for it we get it in whisper form now 'shut up...shut up....shut up'
I wish I could be carefree and 2 again :)

Time Waster

2008-01-09T15:21:00.000-05:00

WOW it's been a bit since I've blogged. Bad blogger - bad blogger. I'm going to try and jump back on that train again. I'll hopefully have some good stories from this upcoming weekend and the 30th birthday party I'll be attending.
Until then please check out the newest time waster in my world - thank you Red. She opened my eyes to a website that she oft peruses and now I oft do to.
Overheard in New York is SO addicting. I believe that random people post things they overhear throughout the day. This is one that I enjoyed:

Lucky Bastards
Chick #1: Just like that, for no reason?
Chick #2: Yeah.
Chick #1: That's so weird! Usually when a guy licks you, there's some kind of context.
Chick #2: What about that time a hobo licked me? That wasn't in context.
Chick #1: Yeah, but hobos don't need context.
--23rd & Lex
Overheard by: Larry

You'll get sucked in....be careful.

Basement Space Needed

2007-11-16T11:20:00.000-05:00

I have one of these in my basement

I'm talking about the television, not the hockey player. That would be funnier though. Let's pretend it's the hockey player.
It has been sitting in my basement since September waiting for it's new owners to take it home. What's the bet that the new owners actually get to take it this weekend? LET'S HOPE SO! STAY AWAY RAIN!!!!!!

Wordless Wednesday

2007-10-31T15:27:00.000-05:00

FED EX VS. UPS - BATTLE TO THE DEATH!

Crawl for Cancer or BEER CITY

2007-10-23T12:03:00.000-04:00

At least once a year we get a team together to do the Crawl for Cancer. It's sort of an excuse to drink your ASS off for a GREAT cause. Who knows what will happen or what people come up with that day!

AHHH that beer was SO good. Look at how happy luvthebearcats is to get hers!!!

FYI - luvthebearcats is kind of a gangsta.

This is Jarhead and Nell (tay nay nay in da wiiiiin).

Thank you Nell for trying to color in the my tattoo but instead drawing ALL OVER the bottom of my back with a sharpie.

The last real statement I remember Nell making that night was in a VERY VERY sad small voice "But I wanted to go to the Beaumont'. Two minutes later her head was hitting the window.

The gals hovering around J in the middle were all over the place! By all over the place, I mean that when we ran in to some random 5-O walking back from our last bar and they made a comment about why we weren't crawling if we were doing a crawl, they decided to do just that. All along the sidewalk. (FYI I do not recall this story - to bad - but it's still way funny!)

This is a pic including the 2 youngun's of the group. Lil L and Toph hung like champs tho!

I believe this is my favorite pic of the Crawl this fall. You girls are ROCK STARS!!!!

CHALLLAAAA!

2007-10-10T09:03:00.000-04:00

If my blog was a celebrity there would be pictures flying around like this:

I'm going to be upfront about it though.

There is no reason I should just not come right out and say it.

"I've had some work done." THERE! ARE YOU HAPPY!!!

Thanks so much to my doc green3 for making my blog look so much better!!!

Wordless Wednesday

2007-10-10T08:59:00.000-04:00

Who's that hottie with the green hair?

Odd...

2007-10-04T16:48:00.000-04:00

Today, at lunch, I was driving to the grocery store. I saw what I felt at the time was something quite odd. There was a man sitting in a cemetery much like this one - just less scary.

I see this man sitting by a tombstone, using it like a chair. Much like this elephant is.

He was just sitting there, leaning back against some random person's tombstone talking on his cell phone. What? Seriously? There were trees you could have leaned against. I saw them with my own eyes. What a douche!

Wordless Wednesday

2007-10-03T12:10:00.000-04:00

Beerkats Rule!

Wordless Wednesday

2007-09-26T09:47:00.000-04:00

Brought to you by Momser, Red & Paulie Walnuts :)

Bendy

2007-09-18T15:07:00.000-04:00

I shall let this picture speak for itself.
Let's thank the gods that it's slightly out of focus.

Friday Four

2007-09-14T10:46:00.000-04:00

These are 4 things that I hope happen today:

1. PDub's fever stops shooting up to 102.5 or 103.2 randomly.

2. PDub throat gunk goes away.

3. PDub doesn't wake up over night. If this happens I will also not have to sleep with her in my bed or in the spare.

4. I get sleep.

I miss sleep. It's a really good friend of mine. We hang out, play canasta, make memories. Sleep, come visit me again.

2007-09-05T08:58:00.000-04:00

Look at how awake, exciting and not drunk these people look! And it was taken at like 2:30 in the morning!

There would be one more person in this photo but poor Easy E was already passed out on the couch.

Get your camera's with self timers out and start taking group pictures of you and your friends like this at parties. CLASSIC!

My friend Rose

2007-08-30T15:16:00.000-04:00

All I have to say is Tequila Rose is a

GREAT friend of mine. You should totally

hang out with her. Seriously.

Front Page Baby!!!

2007-08-24T16:27:00.000-04:00

So I, being not sportsy at all, rarely even think about looking at the sports section of the Kansas City Star. Today, while I was in our break room fixing my breakfast I decided to have a peek since it was laying on top of the rest of the paper. Oh to my delight and surprise!! My boys, the Bearcats, were right there on the front page. SURE it was at the bottom, but front page is front page baby. They were dedicating the revamped football field last night to the best coach ever, Mel Tjeerdsma (you say it like Church-ma). Check out the story and see how the CATS won 21-0.

B E A R C A T S ...BEARCATS, BEARCATS....GOOOOOOO BEARCATS!!!!

Sniffle Sniffle

2007-08-14T14:40:00.000-04:00

I feel really, REALLY bad for luvthebearcats. Not ONLY does she (look away if you must) have to go back to WORK (GAAAASSSPPP!!!!!) tomorrow but she also turns THIRTY FIVE!!! Who wants to be 35. I mean look at that number. It's not exciting at all. The 3 is all round and chubby looking and the 5....I mean COME ON...Walk like an Egyptian was so 20 years ago. 34 is a great number. The 4 is all pointy and anyone who is anyone knows that pointy shit rules.

Shocking!

2007-08-02T16:32:00.000-04:00

Me: OH here’s a tid bit o info…not that u’ll know him (I don’t even remember him) but nells was telling me that a kid that was in the grade below us came to their 10 year reunion last weekend (people in her book club are that age) and he was no longer Buster…he was Bethany. WOW.

MA: WTF?! Not that this should be the most shocking part of the story, but was his name really Buster originally?

Oh MA!! Ya make me laugh!!!

The joy of IM

2007-07-31T16:45:00.001-04:00

My friend Red and her beau, who we shall call Cih-ho-te, had this conversation over instant messenger today. Had this convo happened in person it probably wouldn't have ended quite as funny as it does.
It's kind of long...but totally worth it in the end! Thank you Red and Cih-Ho-Te for giving me something to blog about today.

RED says:
I just walked out into the hallway to get a file and the copier salesman was out there.
RED says:
He said, "Wow! I love your shirt!"
RED says:
"Pink is my favorite color!"
RED says:
Huge guy. Gruff voice. Not gay sounding.

CIH-HO-TE says:
Mine too!

RED says:
So, I kind of giggled at him and when I walked past him again he said, "Please don't get me in trouble. I didn’t mean anything by that..."
RED says:
WTF????

CIH-HO-TE says:
No kidding isn't that some type of harassment?

RED says:
What?
RED says:
Are you kidding?

CIH-HO-TE says:
Ok so why would someone say that if they didn't mean anything by that
CIH-HO-TE says:
No I'm not kidding that has to be sometype of harassment at your job
CIH-HO-TE says:
That doesn't make sense
CIH-HO-TE says:
Have you saw him there before
CIH-HO-TE says:
?
CIH-HO-TE just sent you a nudge.

RED says:
He doesn't work for the hospital. I've seen him before, but I've never talked to him.
RED says:
I didn't know what to say so I just laughed and told him that I wouldn't tell anyone that pink was his favorite color.
RED says:
Then after I got back to my office I realized how weird it was.
RED says:
I don't think it's harassment to tell someone that you like their clothes. I just think it's bizarre.

CIH-HO-TE says:
That is wierd

RED says:
I'm not even showing cleavage today!

CIH-HO-TE says:
But he said he liked your shit! Then backed off and changed it to a pink shirt
CIH-HO-TE says:
Hmmmmmm?

RED says:
Ummm. I have a pink shirt on.

CIH-HO-TE says:
I'm just saying I was born at night but if I told someone I like their shit I am either a sick freak or I want to get into her pants

RED says:
I think you need to re-read what I told you he said.
RED says:
He said he liked my PINK SHIRT!

CIH-HO-TE says:
Oh I thought it was shit not shirt
CIH-HO-TE says:
Ooops

RED says:
My shit is pretty fabulous, though.

Friggin Fun Friday

2007-07-27T12:24:00.000-04:00

Yes, I know. Another 'Thriller' video. I just can't help myself! I must insist that you watch and laugh your ass off. I completely agree with my friend Red, who somehow found this on youtube, the tranny IS the best part of the video. I really wish I knew if these fellas had to audition for their parts - maybe wikipedia knows! ENJOY!

Mr. and Mrs. Jarhead meme

2007-07-23T11:45:00.000-04:00

So good ole luvthebearcats tagged me to do a meme. Look at her go in all of her crazy bloggin knowledge and ways. This is 8 things that are about Jarhead and me.

1. We met in a bar in Maryville, Missouri named Molly's.

2. I invited him over to an after party at my pad and when my friend Berta showed up she she walked in, saw him, and went the other way. She was a waitress at Molly's and he had annoyed the HELL out of her that night.

3. We have been married for 3 years. Dated before that for 5.

4. He enjoys recanting how he got to stay at my place the first night we met. There was a game of darts, a bet, and a 'Oops, forgot to mention that I was in a dart league when I was in the Marines'. He didn't get any so I really won in the end.

5. He forced me, 'Hippy Tree Hugger', to go hunting with him when we first started dating. I did not enjoy seeing a cute little bambi being taken out. I did enjoy looking at all the insides though. He likes to tell that story too. 'She didn't like seeing it die but then she wants me to cut open the stomach so we can see what it ate'.

6. At the end of our wedding day Mr. Jarhead almost got into a fight with a guy who was a REAL winner. The only reason he didn't get into said fight was that while they were walking UP the stairs luvthebearcats jumped on his back to keep the fight from happening. Man she's good.

7. I got into a bad car accident last year with our (at the time) 10 week old akl. They closed the road to traffic because of it. Mr. JH gets up to where the Lotawanna 5-0 is sitting and tells him that his wife and child were in the car accident and he needs to get by. L 5-0 says no way sir - if you go I will arrest you. Mr. JH doesn't care what the coppa says and starts to drive down the road. I BELIEVE L 5-0 starts yelling and pulling his weapon (really...your weapon? go back to hick town brotha). That's about the time my ambulance driver calls him to let him know where they are taking me and akl. The law was takin him down!!

8. We are ALSO sexy bitches.

Locks I Loved

2007-07-19T21:50:00.000-04:00

Last weekend I did something that I have been looking forward to doing for about 5 years now. What is that you ask? Go on an exotic vacation? Buy a new house? Get a dog? Negative. Those sound nice buy what I did was WAY...I mean WAAAAAAAAY more exciting.
I've been growing my hair out for those 5 years. My goal was to get it as long as I could. I'm talking Crystal Gale here. This is what my hair looked like before last weekend.

I have been itching for something new to do with this long ass hair for some time now. I decided that IF i was going to do something I'd go all the way. Cut it ALL off. I decided it was time to give my hair to Locks of Love. LOL takes a minimum of 10 INCHES (yes that's almost a foot!) Here is what my hair looks like now - MINUS 10 inches. Oh and just enjoy the added cuteness of akl :)

WOW someone needs eye makeup on..and it's NOT the baby.

Hey, Hey - You, You - I wanna be your girlfriend!

2007-07-09T11:35:00.000-04:00

So this weekend (had akl realized it) she may have found her first boyfriend. It looks like she takes after her mother - she attracts older men.

Big J, as we shall call him, was 3 going on 4. Just to be clear there was no holding hands, making out, googly eyeing each other - akl didn't really catch the 'love' vibe being thrown her way.

Her little BF did carry her little pint sized chair around from the front of the house to the back so that they could sit next to each other. 'I got nother hand' he says and grabs her chair. He's all nonchalant about it. He didn't take her chair because he 'liked' her is was just because he had a free hand. Oh boys and the games they play.

Then as the fireworks exploded - these were real, not any implied fireworks between the children - he needed to move his chair as close as humanly possible to hers. She of course played coy and kept getting up to wander around and point at things. She knows how the play 'the game' too.

I would take a fair bet that Jarhead is already worried :)

Ghooooost

2007-06-29T10:35:00.001-04:00

I don't know if you ever go to read the posts on Craigslist...but my friend MA introduced me today to the 'Best Of' section. I have OFFICIALLY wasted about an hour of work time reading the different posts. Check it out if you'd like to waste some time yourself. This one made me giggle. Remember...I did not write it, it is not about me, it is just some random fella that wrote this story on Craigslist. OH THE FUNNY.

I just moved into this one bedroom apartment for the incredible low price of $450 a month! I mean, it's on the third level, which sucks. It's worth it, though.

When the landlord gave me a tour he told me something along the lines of "I need to be upfront with you. The reason why the rent is so cheap is because past tenants have complained that the apartment is haunted. Before you sign the lease consider this. I'm tired of my tenants breaking their lease because they hear a couple of noises."

Whatever. As long as I can eat Cheetos in the nude while watching reruns of Seinfeld, I'm happy.

So, my first night I was sleeping, dreaming of blow jobs or something, and then I woke up to some noise. I sat up to see the pages of my Guiness Book of World Records rustling and turning. No shit.

Yeah, right, like THAT'S scary! Hahahahh. Puh-lease !

I laid back down and went to sleep. I mean, if Peter (I decided to name him Peter.) wanted to know the size of the biggest loogie in the world, that's his business. Personally, if I was a ghost I'd whisper menacing things to my ex girlfriend like: "I willll kiiiiilll youuu, cheating biiiiitch," or "Keeeeeellllyyyyyy. .. Keeeellyyyyy", or "Youuuu haaaave heeerpeees." Whatever.

Seriously, my ghost is a joke. He gurgles. What the eff? Have you ever heard of a ghost gurgling before? I'm in the kitchen, trying to melt the plastic handle of my spatula on the stove, when I hear this annoying as eff gurgling sound behind me. Wilson is not scary, he's annoying. (At this point I found it appropriate to rename him Wilson.)

Wilson sucks, but he does one cool thing. Every once in a while I'll catch a glimpse of this transparent, gruesome, bloody dude hanging from a noose in my bedroom. I know this is Wilson, which I renamed Tiberius, because he gurgles.
Yeah, he looks cool, but it sucks when I'm trying to have sex or masturbate. Tiberius is kind of a turn off, you know

Fine

2007-06-28T14:08:00.000-04:00

Since it must be the "in" thing to do a 'Friday Five' or 'Tuesday Twenty Two' I've come up with a Thursday Three.

These are three words that came out of akl's mouth yesterday.

1. No.
2. Nooo.
3. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Man babies are fun.

This one's a THRILLER

2007-06-20T09:27:00.000-04:00

This morning I was in the car at about 6:20ish and a song came on the radio that VAGUELY reminded me of Michael Jackson's song Thriller. You would think that I would then start reminiscing in my mind about that video and all the dancing fun that happened in it. No. Thinking about Thriller reminded me of a video my friend Red introduced me to a couple of months ago. Indian Thriller. There is just something about his dancing and her running that makes me laugh hysterically. I hope you get as much enjoyment out of watching it as I did. Oh the FABULOUS dancing!!! I swear it sounds like he's saying "Girly Man!"

FAST!

2007-06-13T09:00:00.000-04:00

A week or so ago we bought akl a 'Junior Quad'. THIS is that Junior Quad. She hasn't really gotten the whole 'must turn the wheel so that I don't run into things, off the driveway, more then going in a circle over and over again' thing. We figure that will come soon enough. She's a BIT of a daredevil with it though. She enjoys riding standing up and standing on the seat when it's not moving. Our little Evil Knievel.

Is that a box on your head?

2007-05-22T13:59:00.000-04:00

You take your 'normal' sized dog to the vet with an 'ouchie'. To keep him from biting at said 'ouchie' your vet will probably give you the Elizabethan Collar like the following picture depicts:

When your dog is a 'large' breed dog maybe your vet doesn't have a Elizabethan Collar big enough for his big ole 34" neck. Maybe your vet will get creative to find something to go around that big ole neck. Maybe your vet will come up with something like this:

Poor guy!
Side note: this is not my dog. But it is a friend of my sister in law's dog. It is not some cruel sick joke to rid a large dog of his peripheral vision.

You a Pothead, Focker?

2007-05-21T13:27:00.000-04:00

First time mama drama

2007-05-14T10:57:00.000-04:00

Yet again on this trip called motherhood, I am to the point where AKL and I are at a stalemate.

Example: AKL wants to draw with a pen on some paper. I let her. When AKL starts drawing everywhere with said pen I take the pen away as I do not want pen everywhere. I know the easy answer is 'don't give her the pen in the first place' but the same situation would also happen with a crayon, pencil, marker, quill. What happens post 'take the pen away' is what I like to call 'a dramatic interpretation of a crazy baby'. We throw ourselves back, we cry and scream, we WANT THE PEN BACK YOU STUPID CRACK!!!!!

This happens anytime something happens to AKL that she does not agree with. In her little head she says "Do I want my diaper changed right now? NO. So I shall scream and try to get away!!! HA HA HA HA!!!" I know, she's 15 months, she doesn't know that many words but you get the jist of what I am saying.

So any of you seasoned mothers out there with the knowledge of what to do during the 'tantrum stage' (shit I hope it's just a stage) please give me any words of wisdom :)

5 Questions

2007-05-07T10:02:00.000-04:00

Since luvthebearcats was throwin down with the 5 questions post I had to step up and do it. No one has ever called me a chicken. Some might call me a 'quiet talker', some might call me a 'drunk' but never a chicken. So here goes!

1. If you could meet anyone in the world (dead or alive), who would it be?
Man this is a hard one!!!! There are just so many possibilities. Do you go with the hot celebrity just because you can? Do you go with the 'smart' answer and say a world leader? Or do you go the 'dead' route and pick the person who you think would have made a huge difference in this world if he was still alive? I just don't know. Since I don't know I will say Chuck Norris. He best not roundhouse kick me to the head though.

2. What is your dream job?
There are 2 separate things that I would love to be able to do with my life at the moment. One of these things is very tree huggery but hell that is who I am. First I would LOVE to be able to be home with my daughter more. Am I a stay at home full time mom? No. I know I would go crazy without having ample adult human contact. I would absolutely love to be a 'Part Time stay at home mother' though. With the other half of my time, now here's the tree hugger in me, I would love to work at/volunteer for a no kill animal shelter or other animal related not for profit. I know I'd be all sad if the dogs/cats didn't get adopted...but hell at least the lil dudes wouldn't get put to sleep.

3. What is your favorite childhood memory?
I think one of my favorite childhood memories is when the man god and most awesome singer in the world Jack Wagner came and did a concert at Worlds of Fun. 'Frisco' was a HOTTIE back in the day and good ole luvthebearcats and I were all about him. Sure mine was a young love, as I was probably like 6 or 7 when he came, but that didn't mean it wasn't pure. Luvthebearcats had all of his tapes and we would listen to them over and over again. Hell I could probably still sing each and every word to you. I did have the added bonus of being so small that I couldn't see him so I sat on my fathers shoulders to watch. You know he saw me....you know it.

4. If you could change your name, what would you change it to and why?
If I could change my name to anything it would be Anastasia. BUT you would need to pronounce it 'An-A-Sta-Se-A'. I would also wear frilly dresses and carry a parasol. Twirl Twirl Twirl.

5. If you won the lottery today, what would you do tomorrow?
I'd quit my job. That was easy!!!

The hyper hypo kid

2007-05-02T17:00:00.001-04:00

This could...quite possibly....be the best SNL skit ever. I ran across it on YouTube so I decided to share the joy. Don't pee from laughing when you are watching it. If you do please see my first post and follow the instructions given.

Crooked Aunt

2007-04-26T09:14:00.000-04:00

(Sung to the tune of 'There was a crooked man')

There was a crooked aunt, who had a crooked 'style'
And when she had her picture taken, she had a crooked smile.

Screams of TERROR

2007-04-23T09:09:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I really wonder what goes on in the mind of an almost 15 month old. OK, most times I wonder what goes on in the mind of my darling little almost 15 month old.
This weekend I was hosting a girls night at my house. Since the ladies were coming over I wanted to clean the house up so they didn't see the PIT that it had become. 3 cats, a baby, working all day and an hour and 15 minute commute (including taking AKL to the sitter) each way kinda slows down the whole 'keep the house clean process', but back to my darling girl.
I had the door propped open in the kitchen so that AKL could easily walk outside and jack around on our deck. YES we have a gate, have it blocked off so she can't fall - she'd need to be superbaby and have the ability to fly to get off that thing. I'm working on cleaning up the kitchen and AKL is just wandering inside, back outside on the deck, back inside. Well on one of her trips she walked in, walked over towards me, and screams a blood curdling scream. Seriously a 'someone is digging my kidney out with a spoon and taking my teddy bear to boot' scream. I of course flip around and look over at her thinking she's broken a bone, or any other horrible thing, and she just smiles :) So then that must have been WAY to fun because she proceeded to walk outside, scream for her very existence, walk back inside and repeat said process over and over again.
So tell me, what EXACTLY goes on in that little head to think that it's way to exciting to scream such a loud and 'someone is killing a baby' scream? I wondered what the neighbors would think. We don't kill babies!!

No Pinch!!!!

2007-04-18T15:20:00.001-04:00

Virgin

2007-04-18T15:17:00.001-04:00

WOW!!! This is my first time and I'm really nervous!!! I hope that blogging is everything I've always wished it would be. Is it supposed to hurt? I finally bucked up and decided I needed a blog since Nek & Eak's mom has one and so does the good old DH. Yes, I am 'connected' as I do have a myspace page, but I mostly like to post funny comments on other peoples pages over actually blogging on that thing. I'm a myspace blogsnob. So i've decided to start this thing out right with a HILARIOUS commercial. You MUST watch it. LAUGH but don't pee. If you do pee stand up and scream "DID ANY OF YOU SEE THAT GUY THAT JUST RAN BY AND THREW WATER AT MY CROTCH!?!?!"