Silly Megs

My friend Megs and I were discussing the Spring Crawl for Cancer coming up on the 15th of May (we are sort of geeked!). She was asking if I happened to pull together a team for the crawl in Oklahoma City on the 1st of May. She was concerned:

Megs: Do you have a good team for the OK Crawl?
Me: Yeppa. I'll be drinking a lot in May.
Megs: Fo Shizzle. Hopefully you don't burn out on drinking!
Me: Do you remember who you are talking to?
Megs: Word. I retract my previous statement.

Problem? Maybe?

Parental Advisory Suggested

If there are any small children wandering around behind you please have them avert their eyes.
If you are easily frightened and ridden with nightmares please read no further.
The Smalls Grandma was watching her a handful of weekends ago and called me laughing about how they "...tried to get her picture taken with the Easter Bunny and she wanted nothing to do with it'. I now see why she wanted nothing to do with that damn Easter Bunny. My little girl is SMART! Take a look and tell me that thing doesn't look EVIL!!!

"I'll give you some candy little girl....THEN I'LL STAB YOUR EYES OUT!"

Got a New Stamp

Just so you know, I am DEATHLY afraid of bees. Deathly afraid of wasps. Deathly afraid of anything that slightly resembles either of these devilish creatures. I mean these things fly at you at a high rate of speed and STING you! OUCH! That being said, one would think that the thought of having a needle poked into your skin over, and over, and over again wouldn't be up my alley. NOT SO MUCH!

I love getting tattoos. I love the little 'high' that you get from the pain. Am I weird?

Here is my latest tattoo - enjoy the picture story.

This is the beginning stage when Sean is doing the outline of it. This is the more painful part of the process in my opinion.

These are a couple of pics of Sean filling in portions of the tattoo. This is my favorite part of the process.

And the final product - the 256 stands for my smalls birthday (Feb 5, 2006).

When I got home that night with the smalls, she was VERY interested in what was under my bandage. 'Mommy you got a boo boo?'. It's kind of hard to explain what a tattoo is to a 3 year old. She pretty much summed it up though when I was washing it off - 'MOM! You got a new STAMP!'

Yep! Mommy got a new stamp!

Only at Nascar

This is what happened the night before the race at Texas Motor Speedway:

Hey Bubba! You wanna go to tha race tomorrow? My sisters boyfriend - you know...my cousin Earl....got them for her and she gave em to me!

Jimmy Joe you got it!! I got a pickup we can take. You got a camper shell we can put on the back? I don't want my Natty Light flyin out!!

Your truck one of them short ones? My pappy has a camper shell on his truck but his is one of them long uns.

Let's throw that on the back and we got ourselves a PARTY!! YEEEEEHAAAWWW!!

I hate you...I like you....I hate you...I like you

The smalls and I road tripped this last weekend to see the Hubs who is currently working in Oklahoma. OOOOOOOOOklahoma where the...well....not a whole hell of a lot happens except for brush fires. I've come to realize in my trips south that once I start smelling burning brush I've hit Oklahoma.
On our way back yesterday we stopped in Carthage for a little lunch. I was getting the smalls all situated in her seat and ready to down her lunch and during this had the door open. This was a bad move. We added another passenger and the smalls was none to pleased about it. He was just a tiny little fly, and for the purposes of this story we shall call him Ralph.
So Ralph is flying around the space of the vehicle doing his thing...flying. When Ralph gets ANYWHERE in the smalls vicinity all hell breaks lose. There is crying, screaming, general unhappiness. This is the 'I hate you' part of the story.
I try to explain to her that it's just a fly, all it does is fly. All you have to do is wave your hands around and the dude will wander elsewhere. This does not appease her. The only thing that made the situation any better was when she noticed he was sitting on the dashboard.
First we had to point that out - 'Mom...that fly's on your car'.
Me - 'Yes honey, it's no big deal. He's just hanging out up here.'
Smalls - 'He's just hanging out?'
Me - 'Yes honey, just chillin.'
Smalls - 'He wanna come watch my movie with me?'
Me - 'No honey, I think he's alright'
Smalls - 'He wanna come sit on my burger?'
Me - 'No baby, he's just gonna hang out up here with mom.'
At this point she seems pretty cool with Ralph. Wants him to come watch a movie with her...be friends - I like you.
So in my head I'm like OK....no biggie. Maybe I won't need to stop and get the fly out of the car. Soon enough I realize I am wrong.
I hate you Ralph....I hate you. There is crying and screaming for the rest of the trip anytime good ole Ralph comes near her.
We are 10 minutes from home and are stopped getting ready to cross the highway. Good ole Ralph flies to my window and I help him regain his freedom. We rejoice that he is gone and per the smalls is going to go make friends.
Thanks Ralph. Good luck in your travels.

Yes. I'm cheating.

Sooo....I'm addicted to facebook. I like getting on...finding new friends...making notes ect. I realized the other night as I was spending 45 minutes on a 'Note' that I could be doing the same thing but blogging instead. Sarah W. came up with a grand idea...why not post THAT onto my blog. So here you go!
25 Random Things About Me
1. I have 3 tattoo's and am trying to figure out the design for #4.
2. If I let her my 3 year old would stay up until 11:30 every night. She's a night owl like her mama!!
3. I love beer. I think about my first big college parties where I didn't drink beer because I didn't like the taste and would drink WILD TURKEY and shake my head. Don't drink BEAST and you'll love it you dumb girl!!
4. I am still VERY good friends with Nellie who I have known for probably 25 years though I wish we could hang out more. Thankfully they landed near KC!!!
5. I am also very good friends with her sister Sarah. I used to H A T E Sarah. If I could multiply that font by 500 that's how much I did not like her. Then college + booze = FRIENDSHIP!!!!
6. I was slightly addicted to pedicures this last summer. Thankfully I cut myself off. 'It's only been a week but I could get another pedi!!"
7. I honestly with I could eat ice cream for every single meal and not gain a pound. I would do it.
8. I - like Susan - am slightly addicted to standing on the scale. Stupid scale stop mocking me!!
9. I wish I took more time to blog. I love it and have like 5 ideas in my head but here I sit on stupid facebook doing this damn 25 things about me.
10. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE when Schon, Chuck & Ernie tell their 'When we got arrested' story. I could hear it 50 times a year and laugh as hard as I did the time before.
11. I was in a bowling league for a couple years and have my own ball, shoes, bag, ect. I mostly did it for the beer - see #3.
12. I wish that the Cullens were real and I was tight with them.
13. I wish I drove a hybrid. Not that I think Ernie would ever BE on facebook to read this...but if he is he's calling me a Hippy right now :)
14. I got asked if I would 'be opposed to living in Oklahoma for a year'. YES I was and am still opposed. I mean Oklahoma? Come on! If it was Oregon,Florida or Cali I might consider it.
15. I think I might get an I Phone some day. I am somewhat opposed to following the flock again with the whole 'Apple Ipod' thing but I might get over it cause that phone is DAMN cool.
16. I met my husband at Molly's in Maryville. We were playing darts and 'I won because he wasn't good' RIIIIIGHT up to the point where we bet that he'd get to stay the night. 'OOPS!! I forgot to mention I was in a dart league in the marine corp.' He didn't get any....serves him RIGHT.
17. I think my sister is a bitch because she doesn't get hungover. I hate her for it. She is a crack.
18. One time Jesus told me to tell Megan to steal a Bible when we were sitting in a church for a friends wedding. She didn't believe me.
19. I love pub crawls. Especially the Crawl for Cancer. This last crawl - Fall 08- was one of the best.
20. I was in a roll over car accident with my 10 week old daughter. We both got taken by ambulance to 2 different hospitals. My husband had a Lotawana copper start to pull a gun on him because he was trying to get past the road block to get to us. At that same moment my ambulance driver was calling him to let him know where we were going. I came out with only scratches, bruises and poison ivy - from crawling out of the upside down vehicle into a little creek. Addy had one tiny little cut on her cheek that was gone in a couple days. Thank GOD for car seats!
21. I am spending WAY to much time doing this and letting my child do whatever she pleases.
22. I'm quite bendy. If I can find it I'll post a pic that illustrates that point.
23. I have 2 girlfriends that no fail....every time we get together to drink we are up until at LEAST 3:30 in the morning - no matter if there will be small people up in a few hours.
24. The first time I met Megs was during National Gay Pride week at NW. She was sitting on the shrine and I wanted to sit down and chat. These were the first words that came out of my (drunk) mouth - "I'm going to sit by you....but I'm not gay". What a douche!
25. I woke up at 4 this morning because Schon was leaving for Okie. Just so you know Family Guy is on from at LEAST 4:30 to 5:30 on Cartoon Network West. The 2 episodes this morning were quite funny - as always.

That's "Mrs. Ruin Fun Things" To You

First off, I'd like to apologize to my friend Ern. I have learned from this instance that I should keep the neat little tid-bits that I find out about songs and what they are about to myself. Zippin da lip.
Earlier this month we were all eating breakfast one morning after a long night of drinking (for Lin and I). Somehow the song 'Lola' by the Kinks was brought up. It's a great song. It's quite catchy - 'La la la la Loooola.' - 'C - O - L - A cola'. Good stuff!
As Ern was singing this song that morning I had a faint memory about it and stated it out loud.
'Wasn't that song about a tranny?'
For a good 15 or 20 minutes I had 'no clue what I was talking about'.
I threw out some of the words in the song - 'I'm not dumb but I can't understand why she walked like a woman but talked like a man'. LIKE A MAN?
Ern breaks down and decides to get out his phone and search the net...see what he comes up with. Low and behold, who was right? ME! It WAS about a young man's encounter with a transvestite. Check out wikipedia....wikipedia knows all.
So sorry if you've read this post and I've ruined the song for you. I still love it and you should too!

Where am I??????

I honestly do not know how you people without a GPS for your vehicle do it. How do you not just wander around like you have a blindfold on?

I do suppose that if I had never HAD a GPS I wouldn't be in the predicament I am in now. My GPS is currently broken. I am sans maps. It has put a HUGE hitch in my get along.

Monday night I was taking the smalls over to my friend Jenn's after work. Jenn and I were going to go to see Twilight (addicted!) and her daughter was going watch the smalls. I had to be quick about picking her up and heading BACK over to Kansas so I decided I would pick up dinner right before I got to Jenn's house. I'm cruising down the road to Jenn's pad and I realize oh crap! I can't just hit Where to? Points of Interest - Food - Fast Food. I can't wait until it pulls up my options in the area, choose the one I want and hit Go. There will be no man with an British accent lighting the way for me to get to my destination.

I had to buck up and do what the rest of the non GPS lovin' world does. I had to turn on a road and hope and pray that I'd run into the golden arches by chance. HOW DO YOU PEOPLE DO IT???

Quote of the Day

I'm going to get you a bumper sticker "I'd rather be reading my Twilight books. P.S. Jewish girls swallow"

Thanks MAW for making me laugh this morning.

Privacy Please!!!

When I was pondering bringing a child into this world I knew there would be things I would have to give up. When I had a baby I wouldn't be able to run to the grocery store at a moments notice without having to pack up a bag of shit and a baby. I wouldn't be able to stay up until 5 in the morning boozing with my girlfriends and sleep in the next day and laze around while I recovered. These are the things even if you may NOT realize before that small one comes, they are very apparent right out of the gate.
One thing that I wasn't aware would happen was a total loss of privacy. Those small people open doors and don't really care what you are doing. No I'm NOT talking about PDub walking in while me and the Mr are getting it on. That one hasn't happened yet (thank God).
What I would love to get back some day (and I know I will) is a little privacy in the potty. Can I JUST put a tampon in without a small person looking over at me 'What ya doin' mom'? That whole situation is disgusting anyway, but try having a small person staring at you dissecting every move you make. 'What's that?'....'Can I have one?'.....'You poop mom?'.
The small one has also noticed how the back of a pantyliner has sticky stuff on it...hence why she now calls them 'stickers'. 'Mom....can I have a sticker?'....'No honey - they are mommy's stickers.'
I throw out the proverbial 'This is mommy stuff. Can you go into mommy's room? Mommy would like to do mommy stuff by herself'. It never works but hey at least I try.
Around 8 last night my face is buried in a book (we'll talk about THAT obsession in a future post) and the small one was kickin' round the bathroom. She likes to play with the cats water and look in the mirror and such so I wasn't all that worried. She rolls back out into the bedroom and tears my attention away from my book for a moment with the phrase 'Mommy....can you put this in my panties?'
WHAT? Panties? In your panties? Something you want...what?
I look over and she has taken out a pantyliner..taken the backing of it so that is sticky and ready to go...and would like me to put it in her panties - JUST LIKE MOMMY.
So yeah...my daughter had her first pantyliner on last night. And now I reiterate - PRIVACY PLEASE!!

Brand new Beerkitten!

Hello world - It's Noah!!! Some day you'll love Northwest as much as the rest of us do. Hopefully your mommy will brainwash you into loving the Cats like I have Pdub!

Your mom and dad are so lucky to finally have you to squish on. I know all your mom's buds over here in MO and KS can't wait to squish on you too!!!

Luvthebearcats would probably agree that you have a pretty awesome name. Thank GOD she went with Noah and NOT Tucker. Good job Danny Boy on pointing out what TUCKER rhymes with!

Almost 3 Year Old Logic

The mind of a 2 - almost 3 - year old is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

I came home from a LONG ride home earlier this week in a mad rush for the potty. I do my business and as always take off my 'work pants' and put on my 'comfy pants'. I walk back into the bedroom with work pants in hand and Pdub notices that I'm changing my pants. Her almost 3 year old logic kicks in and she asks:

"Mom....ya pee in your pants?"

"No honey, mom did not pee in her pants. Mom is putting on comfy pants."

No luvthebearcats I did NOT pee in my pants. YES it was a horridly long ride home because of the idiots that don't know how to drive in this city and YES I have had a child but NO...I did not pee.

My little Bearkitten

When deciding what I was going to wear today two things came to my mind:
A. It's cold as a mother@#&* outside.
B. The Bearcats play tomorrow in the semifinal game.

Bearcat sweatshirt it is!!! It's warm, it supports the best football team ever, it's awesome.
My sweatshirt ONLY has the words Northwest Missouri State - No Bobby, No paw, nothing specifically calling out Bearcats besides the fact that it says the name of the college.
I pick up Pdub and this is the conversation that ensues:

Pdub: Mom, you got your cats shirt on?
Me: Yes hunny, mom's wearing her Bearcat shirt today.
Pdub: I NEED MY CAT SHIRT ON!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not really sure how she knew that my shirt was a Bearcat shirt besides the fact that the writing was in green but...Oops! I MAY have brainwashed my child into loving the Cats as much as I do!!!

Friggin kids!

Last weekend Pdub and I had the house to ourselves. Jarhead stayed down south longer then expected so we were ALL ALONE. I don't know how many of you have or have had a 2 year old but I didn't really want to spend the ENTIRE weekend with said 2 year old by myself. This would be what I looked like by Sunday if I went it alone..not pretty.

My sanity is my friend. I like to cuddle with it. I would be hurt if it went away.

I decided that PDub and I would roll over to the Cotastics to hang for most of the weekend. We got there on Saturday and finally left them alone around 6:30 on Sunday night. Lyn says I didn't overstay my welcome but she is also a fairly polite person.

Lyn's son Acelec (that's what PDub calls him) got me good with his 7 year old wit while was there.

Acelec: Hey can you spell icup?

Me: What? What is icup?

Acelec: I just want to know how to spell icup. Can you spell it?

Let's take a moment here. Can YOU spell icup? One would think you could since I just wrote icup and you are sitting here reading my blog. Say it out loud. Shout it if you need to. icup. On with the show.

Me: Well....I would guess 'I C U P'.

Acelec: What was that?

Me: Uh....'I C U P'.

Acelec: YOU SEE WHAT?

If you know Acelec's dad you know where he get's that wit from. Friggin kids!

P.S. Did I get YOU with the icup thing? You can say I didn't....but I know I did!!!

Booze & Babies

MA and I were discussing today about how she thinks it would be AWESOME if Jarhead and I were to have a #2 who was born in September. For some reason she thinks that September is the best month EVER. I told her that I would agree with September...well EARLY September would work with my plan.

Some women try and 'plan their pregnancies' so they can have their child a certain month for this reason or that. Don't want to be preggo during the summer. Don't want the smalls birthday to be close to Christmas. I like to do the same thing. My reasoning MIGHT seem a little off to some of you.

This is going to sound so sad ….might sound like I have a slight problem…but I kind of like to schedule my pregnancies so that I’m only preggo during one Crawl for Cancer. Obsession? Much?

I bet if luvthebearcats was still baby makin she'd be the same exact way.

P.S. If my plan DOESN'T work and I have to be pregs for TWO crawls I will be making a 'Welcome Back to Booze Dre' crawl up all on my own!!

Did you fall?

This is a conversation (very one sided as you will see) that I had with MA over IM today. She was no longer answering me and I feared for her safety and her life.

schnaazy (this is me) : did u fall?
schnaazy: i hope someone reads this message if u've fallen and are unconsciuos(sp bad).
please call 911 whoever you are.
you can call me at 816-200-**** and i'll be right over.
if she has a gaping head wound then apply pressure.
if she has broken a leg, arm, ect please splint it and take her to the urgent care or emergency room.
please let me know where you are taking her as i would like to visit her in the hospital.
i will also let her parents and norman know what is going on.
if she doesn't make it she has told me in past conversations that i get to have all of her cool stuff.
we made a blood pact on it.
kind of gross but that shit holds up in court.

Pitcher with Orange Lid OR Clean up your own shit

I had to send this email out at work today. I will preface your reading of the email by my first thoughts on picking the pitcher up - 'A pitcher of gravy?'

Read on:

All
I removed a plastic pitcher with an orange lid from the bottom shelf of the fridge this afternoon. It had what I can only describe as ‘what was once tea’. Thank you so much for performing a science experiment to test what tea will turn into if left in a fridge WAY to long – for your info, there is a substance that forms on the top few layers that is somewhere between a liquid and a solid. It was pleasant to throw out and almost made Brandy throw up when I was showing my find to her. If you would like to claim your pitcher I stuck it in the dishwasher. It does have a little ‘line’ of goo around the top of the ‘what was once tea’ level that did not get removed from my rinsing it out. It might clean up just fine in the dishwasher…but I’d be weary if I were you.

She loves her mama!

Here is what I do on a nightly basis: Go home, clean up the kitchen, figure out what everyone is going to eat for dinner, clean up the kitchen again. It's a never ending process. Last night there was a little bright spot in my cleaning that made me smile at my baby girl.
I was working on straightening up one of the counter tops, putting dishes away and what not. PDub was wanting to look in the fridge to see what she wanted to eat for dinner. OK. Keeps her out of my hair so that I can do what I do.
PDub: Mama...I wan apple juice.
Me: OK dude...get out a juice box. (The juice box is NOT apple juice by the way).
PDub: Mama...you wan apple juice?
Me: No honey. Mommy doesn't need an apple juice.
PDub: Mama you nee a juice.
Me: OK dude. Get mom a juice (I was done with fighting).
So I kind of just keep doing my thing in my own little world. She tells me she has her juice and puts it on the table. I turn the other direction towards the sink to put something in it and I see that she has put my 'juice' on the counter. Sitting there for her mama to drink is a nice cold Miller Lite.
Me: Addy what is that?
PDub: Your juice mama.
Me: Well THANK YOU bear...you love your mama.

Glad I could be of service!

I eBay. Sometimes I over eBay...I can admit that. I get on a kick of buying things off of eBay and I just keep going and going and going. I have friends that do not eBay. When needing an item off of eBay these friends may call on me to do their eBay bidding and purchasing. This is a conversation I had today with one of those Non-eBaying Friends:

Sawah: I need to look some more and send you the link once I have finally decided on one. you don't mind [doing the eBay stuff] do you?
Me: Hell no fool. :) I like to ebay :)
Sawah: Cool. You are my e-bay bitch. :)
Me: If u want to put it that way...sure!!! :)
Sawah: hee hee, I'm just glad I finally have a bitch. I've never had a bitch before. :)

That's the kind of friend I am. Making your eBay purchases AND being your bitch. FULL SERVICE!

Overheard at the Plaza

'What makes me think I'm gonna cut you?' - She gets it wrong every time :)

'Ones an elephant...and ones a thing' - Rocky and Bullwinkle? HUH Preggo?

'You scared my cat!' - Poor Norman!

'I'm not competitive....I just like to win!' (oops I may have said that)

To the ladies who were present - please feel free to remind me of other things said and I'll get them posted :)