Did you fall?

This is a conversation (very one sided as you will see) that I had with MA over IM today. She was no longer answering me and I feared for her safety and her life.

schnaazy (this is me) : did u fall?
schnaazy: i hope someone reads this message if u've fallen and are unconsciuos(sp bad).
please call 911 whoever you are.
you can call me at 816-200-**** and i'll be right over.
if she has a gaping head wound then apply pressure.
if she has broken a leg, arm, ect please splint it and take her to the urgent care or emergency room.
please let me know where you are taking her as i would like to visit her in the hospital.
i will also let her parents and norman know what is going on.
if she doesn't make it she has told me in past conversations that i get to have all of her cool stuff.
we made a blood pact on it.
kind of gross but that shit holds up in court.

Pitcher with Orange Lid OR Clean up your own shit

I had to send this email out at work today. I will preface your reading of the email by my first thoughts on picking the pitcher up - 'A pitcher of gravy?'

Read on:

All
I removed a plastic pitcher with an orange lid from the bottom shelf of the fridge this afternoon. It had what I can only describe as ‘what was once tea’. Thank you so much for performing a science experiment to test what tea will turn into if left in a fridge WAY to long – for your info, there is a substance that forms on the top few layers that is somewhere between a liquid and a solid. It was pleasant to throw out and almost made Brandy throw up when I was showing my find to her. If you would like to claim your pitcher I stuck it in the dishwasher. It does have a little ‘line’ of goo around the top of the ‘what was once tea’ level that did not get removed from my rinsing it out. It might clean up just fine in the dishwasher…but I’d be weary if I were you.

She loves her mama!

Here is what I do on a nightly basis: Go home, clean up the kitchen, figure out what everyone is going to eat for dinner, clean up the kitchen again. It's a never ending process. Last night there was a little bright spot in my cleaning that made me smile at my baby girl.
I was working on straightening up one of the counter tops, putting dishes away and what not. PDub was wanting to look in the fridge to see what she wanted to eat for dinner. OK. Keeps her out of my hair so that I can do what I do.
PDub: Mama...I wan apple juice.
Me: OK dude...get out a juice box. (The juice box is NOT apple juice by the way).
PDub: Mama...you wan apple juice?
Me: No honey. Mommy doesn't need an apple juice.
PDub: Mama you nee a juice.
Me: OK dude. Get mom a juice (I was done with fighting).
So I kind of just keep doing my thing in my own little world. She tells me she has her juice and puts it on the table. I turn the other direction towards the sink to put something in it and I see that she has put my 'juice' on the counter. Sitting there for her mama to drink is a nice cold Miller Lite.
Me: Addy what is that?
PDub: Your juice mama.
Me: Well THANK YOU bear...you love your mama.

Glad I could be of service!

I eBay. Sometimes I over eBay...I can admit that. I get on a kick of buying things off of eBay and I just keep going and going and going. I have friends that do not eBay. When needing an item off of eBay these friends may call on me to do their eBay bidding and purchasing. This is a conversation I had today with one of those Non-eBaying Friends:

Sawah: I need to look some more and send you the link once I have finally decided on one. you don't mind [doing the eBay stuff] do you?
Me: Hell no fool. :) I like to ebay :)
Sawah: Cool. You are my e-bay bitch. :)
Me: If u want to put it that way...sure!!! :)
Sawah: hee hee, I'm just glad I finally have a bitch. I've never had a bitch before. :)

That's the kind of friend I am. Making your eBay purchases AND being your bitch. FULL SERVICE!

Overheard at the Plaza

'What makes me think I'm gonna cut you?' - She gets it wrong every time :)

'Ones an elephant...and ones a thing' - Rocky and Bullwinkle? HUH Preggo?

'You scared my cat!' - Poor Norman!

'I'm not competitive....I just like to win!' (oops I may have said that)

To the ladies who were present - please feel free to remind me of other things said and I'll get them posted :)

Lesson of the Day

Sizzle says - 'Tell them bitches not to say shit!'

Thank you.

Is language genetic?

Last night I was laying on the bed reading while the smalls was watching Oswald.
She says to me this: "Mommy...u fiewd' - Translation 'Mommy...you are fired'
I say: "What?"
Smalls: "Fiewd'
Me: "I'm what? What are you saying?"
Smalls: "You fiwed. Fiewd"
Me: "Are you saying that Mommy is fired?"
Smalls: "Fiewd."

So while, yes, I have been fired from the business of mommyhood by the smalls - the more important point of this story is genetics. My circle - you know who you are out there - use the phrase 'You're fired' in every day vernacular. If someone is slacking on emailing...you're fired. If someone gets a hour and a half massage and the others don't...you're fired. The smalls doesn't read our emails! The smalls is only 2 1/2! While she is gifted....she can't hop on my email and pick up the aforementioned saying. Thus - language is genetic. Thank you.