Brand new Beerkitten!

Hello world - It's Noah!!! Some day you'll love Northwest as much as the rest of us do. Hopefully your mommy will brainwash you into loving the Cats like I have Pdub!

Your mom and dad are so lucky to finally have you to squish on. I know all your mom's buds over here in MO and KS can't wait to squish on you too!!!

Luvthebearcats would probably agree that you have a pretty awesome name. Thank GOD she went with Noah and NOT Tucker. Good job Danny Boy on pointing out what TUCKER rhymes with!

Almost 3 Year Old Logic

The mind of a 2 - almost 3 - year old is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

I came home from a LONG ride home earlier this week in a mad rush for the potty. I do my business and as always take off my 'work pants' and put on my 'comfy pants'. I walk back into the bedroom with work pants in hand and Pdub notices that I'm changing my pants. Her almost 3 year old logic kicks in and she asks:

"Mom....ya pee in your pants?"

"No honey, mom did not pee in her pants. Mom is putting on comfy pants."

No luvthebearcats I did NOT pee in my pants. YES it was a horridly long ride home because of the idiots that don't know how to drive in this city and YES I have had a child but NO...I did not pee.

My little Bearkitten

When deciding what I was going to wear today two things came to my mind:
A. It's cold as a mother@#&* outside.
B. The Bearcats play tomorrow in the semifinal game.

Bearcat sweatshirt it is!!! It's warm, it supports the best football team ever, it's awesome.
My sweatshirt ONLY has the words Northwest Missouri State - No Bobby, No paw, nothing specifically calling out Bearcats besides the fact that it says the name of the college.
I pick up Pdub and this is the conversation that ensues:

Pdub: Mom, you got your cats shirt on?
Me: Yes hunny, mom's wearing her Bearcat shirt today.
Pdub: I NEED MY CAT SHIRT ON!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not really sure how she knew that my shirt was a Bearcat shirt besides the fact that the writing was in green but...Oops! I MAY have brainwashed my child into loving the Cats as much as I do!!!

Friggin kids!

Last weekend Pdub and I had the house to ourselves. Jarhead stayed down south longer then expected so we were ALL ALONE. I don't know how many of you have or have had a 2 year old but I didn't really want to spend the ENTIRE weekend with said 2 year old by myself. This would be what I looked like by Sunday if I went it alone..not pretty.

My sanity is my friend. I like to cuddle with it. I would be hurt if it went away.

I decided that PDub and I would roll over to the Cotastics to hang for most of the weekend. We got there on Saturday and finally left them alone around 6:30 on Sunday night. Lyn says I didn't overstay my welcome but she is also a fairly polite person.

Lyn's son Acelec (that's what PDub calls him) got me good with his 7 year old wit while was there.

Acelec: Hey can you spell icup?

Me: What? What is icup?

Acelec: I just want to know how to spell icup. Can you spell it?

Let's take a moment here. Can YOU spell icup? One would think you could since I just wrote icup and you are sitting here reading my blog. Say it out loud. Shout it if you need to. icup. On with the show.

Me: Well....I would guess 'I C U P'.

Acelec: What was that?

Me: Uh....'I C U P'.

Acelec: YOU SEE WHAT?

If you know Acelec's dad you know where he get's that wit from. Friggin kids!

P.S. Did I get YOU with the icup thing? You can say I didn't....but I know I did!!!

Booze & Babies

MA and I were discussing today about how she thinks it would be AWESOME if Jarhead and I were to have a #2 who was born in September. For some reason she thinks that September is the best month EVER. I told her that I would agree with September...well EARLY September would work with my plan.

Some women try and 'plan their pregnancies' so they can have their child a certain month for this reason or that. Don't want to be preggo during the summer. Don't want the smalls birthday to be close to Christmas. I like to do the same thing. My reasoning MIGHT seem a little off to some of you.

This is going to sound so sad ….might sound like I have a slight problem…but I kind of like to schedule my pregnancies so that I’m only preggo during one Crawl for Cancer. Obsession? Much?

I bet if luvthebearcats was still baby makin she'd be the same exact way.

P.S. If my plan DOESN'T work and I have to be pregs for TWO crawls I will be making a 'Welcome Back to Booze Dre' crawl up all on my own!!

Did you fall?

This is a conversation (very one sided as you will see) that I had with MA over IM today. She was no longer answering me and I feared for her safety and her life.

schnaazy (this is me) : did u fall?
schnaazy: i hope someone reads this message if u've fallen and are unconsciuos(sp bad).
please call 911 whoever you are.
you can call me at 816-200-**** and i'll be right over.
if she has a gaping head wound then apply pressure.
if she has broken a leg, arm, ect please splint it and take her to the urgent care or emergency room.
please let me know where you are taking her as i would like to visit her in the hospital.
i will also let her parents and norman know what is going on.
if she doesn't make it she has told me in past conversations that i get to have all of her cool stuff.
we made a blood pact on it.
kind of gross but that shit holds up in court.

Pitcher with Orange Lid OR Clean up your own shit

I had to send this email out at work today. I will preface your reading of the email by my first thoughts on picking the pitcher up - 'A pitcher of gravy?'

Read on:

All
I removed a plastic pitcher with an orange lid from the bottom shelf of the fridge this afternoon. It had what I can only describe as ‘what was once tea’. Thank you so much for performing a science experiment to test what tea will turn into if left in a fridge WAY to long – for your info, there is a substance that forms on the top few layers that is somewhere between a liquid and a solid. It was pleasant to throw out and almost made Brandy throw up when I was showing my find to her. If you would like to claim your pitcher I stuck it in the dishwasher. It does have a little ‘line’ of goo around the top of the ‘what was once tea’ level that did not get removed from my rinsing it out. It might clean up just fine in the dishwasher…but I’d be weary if I were you.

She loves her mama!

Here is what I do on a nightly basis: Go home, clean up the kitchen, figure out what everyone is going to eat for dinner, clean up the kitchen again. It's a never ending process. Last night there was a little bright spot in my cleaning that made me smile at my baby girl.
I was working on straightening up one of the counter tops, putting dishes away and what not. PDub was wanting to look in the fridge to see what she wanted to eat for dinner. OK. Keeps her out of my hair so that I can do what I do.
PDub: Mama...I wan apple juice.
Me: OK dude...get out a juice box. (The juice box is NOT apple juice by the way).
PDub: Mama...you wan apple juice?
Me: No honey. Mommy doesn't need an apple juice.
PDub: Mama you nee a juice.
Me: OK dude. Get mom a juice (I was done with fighting).
So I kind of just keep doing my thing in my own little world. She tells me she has her juice and puts it on the table. I turn the other direction towards the sink to put something in it and I see that she has put my 'juice' on the counter. Sitting there for her mama to drink is a nice cold Miller Lite.
Me: Addy what is that?
PDub: Your juice mama.
Me: Well THANK YOU bear...you love your mama.

Glad I could be of service!

I eBay. Sometimes I over eBay...I can admit that. I get on a kick of buying things off of eBay and I just keep going and going and going. I have friends that do not eBay. When needing an item off of eBay these friends may call on me to do their eBay bidding and purchasing. This is a conversation I had today with one of those Non-eBaying Friends:

Sawah: I need to look some more and send you the link once I have finally decided on one. you don't mind [doing the eBay stuff] do you?
Me: Hell no fool. :) I like to ebay :)
Sawah: Cool. You are my e-bay bitch. :)
Me: If u want to put it that way...sure!!! :)
Sawah: hee hee, I'm just glad I finally have a bitch. I've never had a bitch before. :)

That's the kind of friend I am. Making your eBay purchases AND being your bitch. FULL SERVICE!

Overheard at the Plaza

'What makes me think I'm gonna cut you?' - She gets it wrong every time :)

'Ones an elephant...and ones a thing' - Rocky and Bullwinkle? HUH Preggo?

'You scared my cat!' - Poor Norman!

'I'm not competitive....I just like to win!' (oops I may have said that)

To the ladies who were present - please feel free to remind me of other things said and I'll get them posted :)

Lesson of the Day

Sizzle says - 'Tell them bitches not to say shit!'

Thank you.

Is language genetic?

Last night I was laying on the bed reading while the smalls was watching Oswald.
She says to me this: "Mommy...u fiewd' - Translation 'Mommy...you are fired'
I say: "What?"
Smalls: "Fiewd'
Me: "I'm what? What are you saying?"
Smalls: "You fiwed. Fiewd"
Me: "Are you saying that Mommy is fired?"
Smalls: "Fiewd."

So while, yes, I have been fired from the business of mommyhood by the smalls - the more important point of this story is genetics. My circle - you know who you are out there - use the phrase 'You're fired' in every day vernacular. If someone is slacking on emailing...you're fired. If someone gets a hour and a half massage and the others don't...you're fired. The smalls doesn't read our emails! The smalls is only 2 1/2! While she is gifted....she can't hop on my email and pick up the aforementioned saying. Thus - language is genetic. Thank you.

UPSP Not for Me

We live on a nice quiet little cul-de-sac - except for the old lady across the circle that has G O T to quit smoking. Good yard upkeep, pretty landscaping, A+ neighbors.
Two or three houses down there is a mailbox that the owners have planted a vine that has wound all the way up the post and hangs around the box. Pretty little plant that has purple flowers on it. I was driving by it earlier this week and had a thought:

I wonder if there is a 'prerequisite' for becoming a mail person that requires you to NOT be afraid of bees, wasps and other stinging insects that pollinate flowers that are planted around mailboxes?

I would fail that miserably. PHOBIC? MUCH?

Neither snow nor rain nor dark of night - but bees and wasps I'll run with fright!!

Why I don't own a gun - By Me

Today I felt a rage....a pure hatred for dislike for someone that I haven't felt in a LONG time. Note to all of you out there reading this: Just because you are old it does NOT give you the right to be a enormous D!CK.
Today I was on my way home from Gama and Gapas with PDub. We had just had lunch and were stopping to get gas when Pdub says 'POTTY MOM!!! POTTY!!!'. So I put the nozzle in the car and start doing my thing and take the smalls to the potty (which was grody btw).
So I'm walking back out to my car and this old guy, who is in disgusting old van, at the pump next to me says 'Can I tell you something?' I reply 'Sure!'. Typically when I get that comment I usually get 'You have such a pretty little girl!' ect. NOT THIS TIME.
This old piece of SH!T says to me 'It was unthoughtful of you to take your daughter to the bathroom and leave your car here.'
The rage. The rage. The rage.
So I reply something along the lines of that 'Sorry sir (that is sarcasm) but my 2 year old daughter who needs to potty is more important to me.' He says something about having kids blah blah blah. I mostly don't hear him because the blood rushing through my ears is so loud and I'm shaking so much I just want to punch him.
So I get PDub situated in her seat and close the door. I walk back over to this subspecies of human and point my mom finger at him and say 'You know what sir, you are rude. YOU ARE RUDE.' He said that he just called it like he saw it. 'No sir, YOU ARE RUDE.' I may have said something about calling it like I saw it.
Seriously....7 other pumps that he can get gas and I'm the one who is unthoughtful. Get your head out of your ass you old f*cker.
I called Jarhead after I stopped shaking from the rage and told him that it was a VERY VERY GOOD thing that his wife does not own a gun.
Anyone want to break an old mans kneecaps for me? I know you'd help me MAW. Thanks for the offer too :)

Aloha to Another Crawl!

Are we in Hawaii or at the Crawl for Cancer? Who are those HOT island babes!?!?

This was our fourth Crawl and was pretty low key overall. I remember the entire even with no 'time lost' so ya gotta figure it wasn't that crazy!!!!
We went with a Hawaiian theme (obviously) and rocked it.


This was a pretty tame year as crawls go. I do remember I stole a kick ass ashtray from some random bar's bathroom. I think there may have been some crying at this crawl - hence the 'Do not cry at the Crawl' rule. This MAY be part of the reason:

MAW (see below) and I had fun at Red's place later. Nothing sexual you freaks.

We wrestled with Coyote later that evening at Red's place. I believe there may be a video somewhere of it. If you ever fight him...watch out. He likes to give wedgies.

Back in the Crawl Saddle...again

This was the Crawl of many "Firsts".
My first Crawl after having PDub - VERY LOW ALCOHOL TOLERANCE. (Thanks Coyote for the piggy back ride later in the evening).
Luvthebearcats virgin crawl.
This was the first Crawl where they used buses to get us to other bars.
This was also the first Crawl that actual RULES came out of. And there were many.


I have ZERO pictures of this one for some reason. I believe that there may be only 1 picture in existence of the group but I'm not sure even where that picture is at. RED CAME THROUGH AND FOUND THE ONE PIC!! WOO HOO!!!



Here are a list of things that we learned from this Crawl:

1) Do not go out in Westport the Friday night before the Crawl and stay up until who knows when and expect to be functioning and drinkable the next day. It just doesn't work - well unless you are an alcoholic.
2) If there is a bus taking you from one bar to another bar...TAKE IT. Do not think 'Oh that's right down the street we'll just walk!'. It will take you a half hour to get there and you'll get bitchy cause your feet hurt. You do learn some interesting things on the trip tho. MAW and I learned that Luvthebearcats is 'Kind of a gangsta' during that walk.
3) Tho you may still have 'baby weight' on you DO NOT wear ill fitting pants. It's not fun for ANYONE to see your undies all the time.
4) Do not go anywhere alone!!! Text message to my phone from Red: 'I'm outside! Where are you?' A few minutes later "I'm inside now! I can't find anyone! Where are you?' Minutes later 'I'M BACK OUTSIDE WHERE ARE YOU??'. There may have been some crying on the sidewalk involved but we all finally found each other. BUDDY SYSTEM.
5) Do not write your number on random peoples shirts MAW.
6) There is a step when you walk into America's Pub. It's always been there. It's not new. Feel free to yell at the bouncer when you trip over it tho.

There are a lot of 'lost time' in this crawl for me...so that's really all I've got!!!

The Crawl Made Me Blue

Ahh...the infamous 'Blue Shirt Crawl'. This was the second crawl we did and it ended up being mostly a ladies crawl. We did have 2 big guy anchors and that helped us out.

This was the first year that we used our shirt as canvases for the fun and frivolity that happens at the crawl. A handful of us stayed down at the Holiday Inn so we ended up being out ALL NIGHT LONG. LynC and I were doing the monkey walk...you have to remember what that is right?....and we tripped and stumbled I think (it's a little fuzzy). The door man to the bar we were going to saw the event and WOULDN'T LET HER IN. Look at this pic....she and Red look sober!

Insert song lyrics here: 'Everybody was kung foo fighting!!!'

Miss MAW was FEISTY at this crawl. She remembered that she almost got into it with some dumb b$%ch in the bathroom of Johnny Dare's bar - that is no longer there. She looks completely innocent doesn't she?

Later on that evening Miss MAW decided that it was a GOOD IDEA to walk home FROM WESTPORT to her apartment. Her apartment wasn't THAT far away...but the rule was stated from that crawl on out - NO WALKING HOME BY YOURSELF.

I do have to make mention of the event that made this crawl INFAMOUS for me. That would be the 'Gyro Incident'.

At the end of the night LynC, Red and I needed some food in our belly. Look...there is a van in the street that makes Gyros...THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA.

So the three of us purchase our gyros and start to head back to the hotel room. LynC is walking in front of us and all of a sudden she is HORIZONTAL on the pavement ....gyro goody goodness scattered everywhere. Some randoms helped her up and the three of us could N O T stop laughing. I wish that I could take that memory from my brain and replay in for everyone else to see. I do recall that more then the falling....LynC was BENT about losing the insides of her gyro. GOOD STUFF.

It's CRAWL Season

The Crawl for Cancer in Kansas City is like Christmas for many of us seasoned crawlers. It is much like a coveted gift that you can't wait to open...and maybe throw up all over.

The upcoming spring Crawl will be MA's and my 6th time participating and there have been some awesome crawls through the years. I thought this might be a good time to reflect on past Crawls and remember the good times, and the not so good (keep the sharpies out of NR's hands!). Over the next few weeks I'll continue to post pictures and stories of the our Crawls through the years - so check back!

Our first crawl, when we were all still virgins, was May of 2004.

We had a pretty good team that year tho it was kind of random.

This may have been one of the most low-key crawls that we have ever done.

It was pretty nice that day so we ended up out at the sand volleyball courts at the Beach Club. Look at our baby faces!

These were the days before they bused you to different bars and the bars weren't insanely packed with crawlers.

I do remember that at the end of the day we were hanging out at the Beaumont - more free beer! There was a random band playing and I was 100% certain that because they were singing a Big Head Todd song that they WERE Big Head Todd. Alas...they were not.

It was a good virgin Crawl - low key but still hella fun!

I wanna be the DOG WHISPERER!

Tonight PDub and I decided we wanted to go get some "I Ceam!" and we were out the door..custard custard here I come! We got down to the end of our road and I noticed a dog that was running around with no mom or dad with it. I noticed the dog because she was STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. I stopped and looked around to make sure that her family hadn't just accidentally let her outside and were coming to get her. Since I didn't see her humans my head went into 'MUST SAVE THIS DOG AND FIND IT'S HOME!'
I pulled over and she was very interested in my vehicle. I opened up the door and called her over and she was MORE then happy to want to get it. I grabbed her collar and took her to the back of the Envoy and told her to jump in and she went right in.
I drove back home (sadly i ceam had to go on hold) and went to get PDub out of the car and the dog so that I could call the number on her tags and let her humans know that I had her (like I would want someone to do for my cats or any future dogs I own).
When I opened the back door I was not thinking. OUT SHE GOES. GREAT! I saved her from the road but now she's running ALL OVER our cul de sac and I'm outside running around chasing her carrying a 2 year old who's wearing Dora PJ's.
The hub comes outside when he sees me out the window running around chasing a dog and yells 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING?'
I yell back that this dog has tags so I need to grab her again so I can call her family. I do the 2 second hand off and give PDub to Dad so that I can run around (in my flip flops) and chase this dog. She hightails it behind our neighbors houses and goes a couple houses down. I yell for her to come and she takes off like a bolt of lighting at me. I see this as my chance to grab her....NOPE. She shoots right by me. BUT she does run back up to where the hubs is at and he gets a chance and grabs her collar.
So we make the call to the pups grandma who says she will be right over. Pdub really enjoyed the puppy being there while dad held her. You could tell she really wanted to pet her but she just couldn't work up the strength. Who knew that during the maybe 10 minutes of us having this dog that PDub fell in love with her.
Grandma came and chatted a little bit about the pup - Nikita gets out all the time, always getting calls from people that they found her or the pound, has a granddaughter who is autistic and the dog is a godsend. Very Very nice lady. Even complimented the toot's eyes and eye lashes (but we know how cute she is). She thanked us many many times and finally went on her way so we had to say goodbye to the pretty pup (she is a white Siberian husky with blue eyes SO PRETTY!).
This is where things get dicey. Pdub likes the puppy. She in NOOOOOO way wants to say goodbye to the puppy. 'NOOOOOO!!! NOOO BYE BYE PUPPY!!!' Grandma apologizes profusely that by her taking her grand-dog that she is making my child cry. She felt very very bad...but hey- Pdub is 2 and wants what she wants, and she wanted that puppy!!!
It probably took her 10-15 minutes to calm down about the puppy. Had to sit in time out for a while because of the fit that was being thrown. Once she was calm we went to get I Ceam and on the way back I still got a couple very sad 'Mommy....puppy!!!!' I had to keep telling her that the puppy needed to go to his mommy and daddy. I finally got a 'Mommy...Daddy...puppy!'

The moral of this story is : PDub wants a puppy (to look at...maybe pet...maybe not)!

Rocket Science

I was listening to E! for a bit on my way in to work today - I love satellite radio by the way - and an interview with Sarah Jessica Parker was on. She was talking about her upcoming movie that MANY of us are looking forward to - Sex and the City. May 30th ya'll....write it DOWN.
What she said made me kind of regret the fact that I just bought and am currently wearing her perfume (which smells really good). This is what she said in regards to the fact that when they tried to do the movie directly after the series ended it didn't work out but obviously is working out now:
"I feel like it was kind of fortuitous because if we had done it then....we wouldn't be able to do it now."
REALLY SJP? Is that how time works? Doing something then means you can't do it now? Doing it now means you didn't do it then? I never knew.

SHUT UP

Oh, to be 2 and not have a care in the world. You go through your day watching Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Dora, have some snacks, take a nap, maybe watch a little more Dora. At some point in time in your day you hear one of your cats meowing at the back door NON STOP. Your mother get's a little irritated by the incessant meowing and yells at said cat to "SHUT UP!". Wow....those words were really loud! She was really mad! She made the cat to what she wanted him to do by yelling those 2 words at him! I'M SO USING THAT PHRASE!!!
This has been my household over the past month. Lil miss thang thinks that if she doesn't want to do something she can tell you to 'Shut....up!' I don't want to wake up - 'Shut...up!'. I don't want to go bye bye - 'Shut...up!'. I don't want to eat that - 'Shut...up!'.
I never knew shut up had so many uses until the small one started in on it.
The hammer of justice has come down on the small one. She has a time out chair that has come in QUITE handy lately.
She thinks she's sly tho. Now instead of yelling shut up...if she feels like she wants to say it but knows she'll get in trouble for it we get it in whisper form now 'shut up...shut up....shut up'
I wish I could be carefree and 2 again :)

Time Waster

WOW it's been a bit since I've blogged. Bad blogger - bad blogger. I'm going to try and jump back on that train again. I'll hopefully have some good stories from this upcoming weekend and the 30th birthday party I'll be attending.
Until then please check out the newest time waster in my world - thank you Red. She opened my eyes to a website that she oft peruses and now I oft do to.
Overheard in New York is SO addicting. I believe that random people post things they overhear throughout the day. This is one that I enjoyed:

Lucky Bastards
Chick #1: Just like that, for no reason?
Chick #2: Yeah.
Chick #1: That's so weird! Usually when a guy licks you, there's some kind of context.
Chick #2: What about that time a hobo licked me? That wasn't in context.
Chick #1: Yeah, but hobos don't need context.
--23rd & Lex
Overheard by: Larry

You'll get sucked in....be careful.